Parenting Lessons

New Years ResolutionNew Years Resolutions for Parents of Children with Autisms for Parents of Children with Autism

2008-12-31T05:18:00.000-08:00

Not that we need more pressure in our lives, but today IS New Year's Eve Day... And with that in mind, I have a few thoughts to share. None are particularly earth-shattering - but all, I hope, will us help our son to be all he can be. From our point of view, that means a whole lot.

Here, in no particular order, are my own "autism resolutions" for 2008!

Focus on my son's strengths. Use my lioness-like mommy skills to ensure that he gets the opportunities he deserves to build on those strengths.
Assume that my son is bright and capable, and avoid using autism as an excuse for not pushing him to succeed as he is able.
Choose just a few key areas in which my son is weakest, and provide plenty of tools and resources for improving in those areas.
Notice the amazing moments of achievement that occur so often in the lives of children. Pay attention when my son, for the very first time, asks "what do you want to do?"
Encourage my son's creative impulses. Allow him to tell his stories, write whatever he wants, and worry a little less about correct grammar and draftsmanship.
Put my son in the spotlight whenever possible. Remember that my children's achievements are... my children's achievements. Not mine.
Continue to seek out adults, teens and children who can delight in my son's personality, charm, ideas and abilities. Give my son the opportunity to be with those people as much as possible.
Choose just a few significant ways in which I can be of assistance or support to the larger autism community. Act on them.
Worry less about anyone else's opinions - about our life choices, our children's quirks, my clothes, hair or weight... or anything else, for that matter!

Autism Blog
Lisa Jo Rudy

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-23T05:09:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"Christmas to me: A celebration of capitalism and a time where we pretend that our good behavior for the day will carry over to the rest of the year. Good food, presents, Hallmark, no school- altogether, a top-notch holiday."...Harlequin (15) Kansas

"What does it mean to me? I used to know, but I'm not sure anymore. Jesus Christ was born on this day so it must mean that this a day for peace and love. After 9-11 All I want for Christmas is for everyone to be happy because even Osama should be happy on Christmas (I hate him!) but if everyone isn't happy I won't be either." .... Teisha (12) Germany

"Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. Not only for the holly and mistletoe but for the true meaning of Christmas. The birth of Christ and that is not all that it means to me it means being with family being with the people you love. I don't think that anybody should be alone on Christmas."....Jessica (16) Colorado

"Christmas means to me when your friends and/or family gather around and celebrate the lords name. It means to thank the lord for everything he's done, to keep us on our feet. It celebrates when he died for us and came back alive, he died for our savior when we were supposed to be punished. I THANK HIM."...Chelsea (12) USA

"I decided to write this passage because some people even people in my family don't know the real meaning of Christmas. To me CHRISTmas is a time to thank the lord for what he has done for the people on this earth and the day that he was born in Bethlehem. Christmas think that it is all about presents and material things. This is a time to forget all worries and the hatred that you have against people. If you have no one to spend Christmas with go meet people because no one should spend Christmas alone!"...Keyana (14) Maryland, USA

"Christmas means remembering when Jesus Christ is born. Also spending time with your family and have a great time with them. All your family come together to spend the time thinking about when Jesus Christ was born. That is what Christmas means to me."....Julie (11) Minnesota

"Christmas is a time to feel a spirit of joy and peace. It is a time to connect and feel especially close and thankful for family. It is a cozy time."....Vickie, Indiana

"Baby Jesus' birth."....Allan, (12) MS

"Christmas means to me that Jesus was born on that day and the Three Wise Men gave presents to Jesus on his birthday and it also means to spend time with your family the most important is Jesus's Birthday and that's what Christmas means to me."....Jodie, (14) Texas

"Christmas to me means to share, be thankful that Jesus Our Savior was born! To Me it also means a day to forgive and to love and the most important part is giving not receiving!!!!!!!!!"....Olivia, (9), Connecticut

"For me Christmas means getting to see my family together all happy."....Skatergirl (16) USA

It's a time to meet all your relatives that you haven't seen for a while, to share laughs and stories that happened over the years. It can also be a time to show off your decorations and also about the birth of Jesus!"..... Jason (15) Wisconsin

"Christmas means you have to give things to poor people."....Brenda (13) Arizona

"Christmas means giving, sharing, spending time with family, and loving."....Zach (12) Illinois

"Christmas means to me, a time of giving to other people and spending time with your family!"....Kira (13) Ohio

"Christmas, to me, means a great deal to me. To me,Christmas is the most special time of the year. Why?? Well, I'll tell you why, because it's the day Jesus was born. The day the heavens opened up for man-kind and other generations. That's what Christmas means to me!!"....Amber (13) TN

"To me,Christmas is a holiday for my family to thank Jesus and God for bringing me into Earth. Christmas means to love your family and friends. Forget all your bad times and nightmares! Have a good day on Christmas. Be a good girl or boy. The choice is yours!"....Jasmine (9) TN

"Christmas means celebrating baby Christ's birthday with family and friends.....enjoying vacation with family...giving and exchanging gifts with friends and family and just hanging out and having fun!?!....Cassandra (13)

"Christmas should be a day for family, but any more it has became a day about how much money can be spent and how quick you can open one present to get to the next. I believe the meaning of Christmas has been lost through out the years instead of being about love and sharing and family. Its all about how many hours you can spend in a store and how much money can you spend. It is so sad that we have got away from the true meaning of Christmas. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to give one gift and have a wonderful dinner and enjoy just being with your family instead of over spending and going in debt. well that is is my out look on what Christmas has became and most of you probably understand agree!"....Heather WV

Posted in Kids Turn Central

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"Christmas means to me that you should remember the birth of Jesus. It is also to give, share and to care for those who don't have a home or an apartment to celebrate Christmas."....Jennifer (9) California

"Christmas means sharing and to have fun with your family. The most important is spending time with family."....Angela (8) IL

"Christmas means giving and receiving to my family. We give to others like the less fortunate and my relatives. I love Christmas because when I wake up there are a lot of presents under the tree, and I get to open them. This is what Christmas means to me."....Rachael (13) NJ

"What does Christmas mean to me? A lot by thanking God, his son coming to earth, to take all our sins away and give a lot of glory."....Layla (14) UK

"Christmas to me means being able to have family over and celebrate the Christ birth."....Malina (9) Virgina

"Christmas means to me a time when you get together with your family and it's a time when you forget the bad things that have happened to you and think about the good things that have happened to you. Christmas is not a time of presents, that is what kids think, it's just a time for a family to get together."....Arts (9) New Jersey

"Christmas is being with your family, peace and love and that the world needs love and peace no more war. That we all need to come together no matter who you are we all need love and no more hunger. We need to feed the children of the world, we need to give love and peace to the world...that's what Christmas means to me."....Sandy (14) Texas

"I think Christmas is about giving, sharing, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ our savior every time I wake up we always pray to Jesus and asking for forgiveness.......ohhh my bad I forgot something else and thanking him that we are here."....Steve (11) New York

"Christmas means celebrating the birth Jesus ,who died for all our sins. a lot of people forget the true meaning of Christmas because of the hustle & bustle of times now, how they have changed since I was little. I love Jesus and thank GOD his son and what he did for us. The gift of Christmas is a child."....Patsy Delaware

"Christmas is not all about the gifts and family. Yes family is what makes up a portion of Christmas, but the true meaning of Christmas was stated in the most holy of books, the Bible. It said that the true meaning of this time of year is the birth of our holy savior's birth. The birth of our holy lord, Jesus Christ!!!".....Kaylin (12) Colorado

"Christmas to me means a time when people put away their differences and come together to celebrate the birth of Christ. It also means spending time with my family and friends. Christmas is my favorite season not only because of the presents I recieve but the presents that I give. It is a lot of fun shopping for gifts and even making them. It is also a time to stop our crazy lives and focus on prayer and love."....Aadriana (14) New York

"What Christmas means to me is spending time with my family and friends and all together celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ are lord and saver."....Erika (14) KY

"Christmas is simply giving love to your friends, family and even to the people who used to hate you or you used to hate."....Aioe (15) Africa

"I think Christmas means family getting together to celebrate the day baby Jesus was born. I think Christmas is a very important date to remember.".....Kirsten (13) IL

"Christmas means having a nice dinner and loving everyone at the table! It isn't about the presents! It is about the love and the happiness.".....Madi (12) Texas

"Christmas means to me when you celebrate young Jesus birthday, have fun, spend time with your family, and eat."....Leia (12) Australia

"Christmas is more than getting presents it's spending time with your family and being out of school yea!!!"....Baby (14) Texas

"Christmas means remembering the birth of Jesus Christ, the one who has died for us. Christmas it's the day you forget all your worries & your sadness. It's remembering that Jesus cares about you. It's the time when you give without accepting anything in return. Christmas time is the time of love, joy & forgiveness."....Christina (15) Amman/Jordan

"Christmas means thinking about Jesus and all the characters involved in the story and also spending time with my family.".....Lucy (9) England

"Christmas means to me is a time for family and friends and spending time with people. Christmas is for giving and spending time with other people and not for presents.".....Ashley (15) Massachusetts

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"To celebrate Jesus and his birthday Christmas is not about the presents it is to worship your creator.Your real father."....Mi'Kayla (10) VA

"Being with your family and appreciating the good health and love you have.".....Liam (11) NY

"It's a time for family and friends to be together."....Alisha, WV

"For me, Christmas is not only about eating and exchanging gifts. It's about being reborn again and purifying oneself. Some of us might not be pure inside and would like to enjoy Christmas just by exchanging gifts and enjoying just because it's Christmas time. Growing up as a Catholic, I have learned to purify my heart before celebrating any holiday such as Christmas and Easter, so, I think people should put some emphasis on how they celebrate Christmas. Christ was born with a pure heart and humbled himself by laying in a manger and I think we have to follow his example and not just pretend to make it look like we really understood the message. Poor or rich it doesn't matter, what matters is what comes from within.".....Han CA

"Christmas is the time where everyone gets together and remembers the birth of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. He is the Reason for the Season!"....John (14) Iowa

"What Christmas means to me is getting up out of bed and waiting impatiently to open up my gifts.Also to spend time with my family.But the real reason is to celebrate Jesus's birthday.That's the real reason.Remember Jesus is the reason for the season."....Tekeisha (13) Florida

"What does Christmas mean to mean to me? Well I used to think it was all about presents but now that I have gotten older I know that is not, it means spending time with people that you love and that love you back. It means waking up and enjoying a good meal with your family and loved ones like friends. That's what Christmas means to me."....Carrie (18) Illinois

"Christmas means to spend a lot of time with your family and friends. Christmas also means giving not recieving."....Cheyenne (11) Arkansas

"Christmas is a time to focus on the birth of Jesus Christ and the sacrifices he made for us on earth."....Marsha Florida

"To me Christmas means to have fun. Begin with your family and to share gifts with each other. Also to be with your friends around where you live."....Georgianna (13) Boston

"Christmas to me is love and friendship. Christmas is a day to be spending with friends and family.Christmas is a special day because Jesus was born on Christmas. Christmas is sharing giving and happiness all around."....Evelyn (12) Washington DC

"Christmas means having fun and spending time with your family and friends. But most of all it is to celebrate the birth of Jesus."....Avery (10) Georgia

"It's all about Jesus's birth. He is the reason for this season. He is our savior and we celebrate his birthday on Christmas. He is 2,005 years old. Time started when he was born. That's what Ii think Christmas is all about."....Kelsey (10) GA

"Christmas means time with your family and friends and to give to people that can't!!!"...Zoe (13) GA

" I'm an ordinary teenager and just being real. Christmas is shopping and buying new clothes and shoes. "....Whittier (17) California

"Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus!!! "....Pamela (17) Michigan

"Christmas means to me, spending time with people you love and I am doing a project and I am glad and surprised that so many people belive in Christ and think that is the meaning. Well I do too.".....Krista (12) Ontario

"It means to me that a Savior was born to die on the cross for us so that all our sins may be forgiven.".....Michelle, Florida

"In the past our family has always gave gifts and this was nice but as I've gotten older I look back and think of how much time we have wasted on giving gifts. If you think about it, giving gifts is a substitute for talking to one another, learning about that family member you don't see during the year except at Christmas. Giving gifts should be something from the heart; like making something. It shouldn't be about worrying what to buy that uncle or cousin who has everything. If you're family is like ours; we've gone to buying gift cards. That's so silly. If I give you a gift card and in return you've given me one....what's the point? Why can't Christmas be about the birth of our Lord. What's wrong with reading the story in the bible, sing Christmas songs and just spend time together?".....Ginny, USA

"Christmas means to me spending time with my family and celebrating baby Christ.".....Cassandra (14) Massachusetts

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-20T05:06:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"Christmas to me and my family is a day of giving and being together as a family. Christmas is a time of joy and laughter. A time to celebrate the birth of the lord. That is what Christmas means to me.".....Cynthia (13) Indiana

"I think that Christmas is a time to be together with your whole family, a time for forgiveness and love."....Karina (14) Indiana

"Chirstmas to means celebrating the life of Jesus and eating food and getting gifts."....Donovan (14) Indiana

"Christmas to me means a time to be with your family, laughing and eating good food. It also is a time to exchange gifts and it is a time for the best sales.".....Alexis (14) Indiana

"Christmas means to me the birth of Jesus Christ and everything he done for us. However, it is a time for being thankful about giving presents because Jesus was a gift to us, so we give gifts. It's a time to spend with your family and drink hot chocolate by the fireplace, that's what Christmas means to me."....Avi (14) Indiana

"To me , Christmas is a time for celebrating the birth of Jesus. By giving to my family love and joy is a way my family celebrates this holiday. We also celebrate with a Christmas dinner and an exchanging of gifts."....Lace R (13) Indiana

"To me Christmas means a lot of things for me, For example family,friends,and love. On Christmas I get to be with all you family and eat together and open presents. We make tamales and celebrate the bith of Jesus at midnight."....Karen (14) Indiana

"It means food and opening presents."....Jamal (14) Indiana

"Jesus is the reason for the season!!!".....Lanette (11) Indiana

"Christmas means to me that you have a load of fun with your family and then you open all your presents and see what all you got on Christmas day. So the whole point on Christmas to me is having fun and opening gifts but not only that but it is when Jesus was born and when all the angels sang to the sheperds and also when the wise men came to see him."....Nate (14) Indiana

"Christmas is a time for joy and families to come from afar to see there relatives. Also neither friend or foe should fight during this time."....Joseph (13) Indiana

"Christmas to me is when family gets together in love and not hate. What Christmas doesn't mean to me is when your sister goes as far as to steal all your stuff and pawn it like a crazy person that's what Christmas means to me."....Donovan (14) USA

"Christmas contrary to popular belief is not about gifts or presents. Christmas is, was, and always should be about Christ. The Christmas story was one of an infant born in a stable of a humble birth. The infant was given the name Jesus. He was all God and all man at the same time the savior of the world. When Christmas time comes around I break down the word and think of Christ. That is what Christmas means to me."....Kaylin (14) USA

"Christmas means having fun, being with family recieving and getting gifts.".....Kenny (16) VA

"Christmas is for the Lord Jesus Christ because it's his birthday. Some people think its about the presents, it's really not in Christmas the word CHRIST. That's just my opinion."......Kamron (13) Oklahoma

"It used to mean traditions to me! Baking tons of different kinds of Christmas cookies, decorating the inside and outside of the house while Christmas music played in the back ground. Sitting with family around the Christmas tree and enjoying conversations. Celebrating the birth of Christ.".....Dave, Indiana

"What Christmas means to me is celabrating the birth of Jesus Christ and spending time with with the people you love it's not just about recieving gifts although children may think it is but it's a time to celabrate JESUS birth.:)".....Kayla (14) California

"Christmas mean to me about celebrating Jesus Christ, his birth and gathering with families.".....Audrey (14) Australia

"Christmas means family all together.".....Ashley (10) Florida

"It means a time of peace and joy, a time where our family doesn't fight, but most of all a time where we celebrate Jesus our Lord and savior coming down from heaven to save us.".......Amber (14) Iowa

"Christmas means to me: I think of it as a time of caring. Not only was Jesus born, but a new star was also. I believe that from my church, the mormon church.".......Kinley (9) Canada

"Christmas means to me getting a load of presents and spedning time with my family who I love a lot. So that is what it means to me but I am not religious so I don't go to Church on that day and things like that."......Laura (13) England

"Christmas to me means spending time with family and recognizing the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. We think that Christmas is just about getting presents and it's not. Every year people go crazy about what they are getting for everybody when you should really be preparing for the birth of Jesus. You don't need to go out and get a whole bunch of gifts for a day that comes around once a year. All you need to do is get a little for the people that don't have a lot and maybe you will receive a little in return."....Brittaney (12) New Jersey

"To me Christmas means to remember what Jesus has givin us. Also Christmas means to have fun."....Shagun (10) Canada

"Christmas means to thank God for what it has given you and be gratful that you're alive. And to celebrate the death of Jesus. I love God and the people that loves God. So God bless you all and have a Merry Christmas. I love you all. I love God too. Mua to God and help everyone!".....Daniela V. (10) Las Vegas, Nevada

"Christmas really means tome that I get what I wish for and that Jesus Christ is coming and that we get ready for him and when Christmas comes I kinda forget what Christmas really means. I think mostly about my presents and what I show my peeps."......Sha'Ron (14) LA

"Christmas most importantly means to me is that Jesus Christ was born on this day the meisiah without him dieing on the cross none of our sins would be forgivin. This helps to bring all of my friends and family around to celebrate life and each other. We GIVE gifts so we can show the love that is in our hearts for one another. That is what Christmas means to me and my family.".....Katelyn (13) PA

"Christmas can mean a lot of things to me. It's when you just have fun and spend time with family and friends and it is not all about the gifts to me. It's about having peace on the birth of Christ.".....Jamia (9) Milwaukee, Wisconsin

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-19T05:06:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"Christmas means celebrating Jesus Birthday. By giving things away, and sharing. It also means becoming one with your family and having a fun time. That's what Christmas means to me."....Jade (13) Indiana

"Christmas to me is when families come together and open presents and all that other stuff. Also, Christmas is giving and recieving gifts, and to me that is really what Christmas is. This is Christmas to me."....Ryan (14) Indiana

"Christmas mean the birth of Jesus Christ.".....Cutis (14) USA

"Christmas to me is spending time with your family and enjoying their company. Christmas also means giving and receiving. I love giving gifts, but I like receiving them even more. Christmas is also they day Jesus was born. My family is heavily in church so I may be at church for Christmas or Christmas Eve."....Amber (14) Indiana

"Christmas to me does not mean presents or any possessional item, to me it means the birth of the son of my God, Jesus. My family is Christian and we do not believe in giving other people presents. We believe that Jesus was born to die for our sins and Christmas is the time where we celebrate his birth. We all get together, eat, and pray that God sent his son to die, to save us from Hell. We also pray for living for another Christmas and for all we have.".....Cristine (13) Indiana

"To me Christmas means a lot of things. First and foremost it means spending time with friends and family. Every Christmas there is love in the air. It's also about giving. Most people give presents to friends and family. Christmas brings people closer together."....Jasmyn (14) USA

" I believe in Jahovah God and Jesus Christ but Christmas doesn't mean anything to me. The Bible says that when baby Jesus was born, the shepards were tending to their flock in the feilds. Back in that day there was no global warming & no 50 degree weather in the middle of December. Jesus was really born between August and October, not on December 25. As well as the tree, that is not Christian, it is a Peogan tradition. No offense to anyone that believes something different, this is just what I have been taught to believe and these are my views. God bless."....Lindsey (14) Indiana

"What does Christmas mean to me? Christmas means one day of a month a family gets together and exchanges Christmas presents and joy. It is also a time to drink eggnog. Also for little kids who believe in him it’s a time to WRITE LETTER TELING WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTAMS TO SANTA AND tries to stay up and be on their best behavior and see Santa COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY AND PUT PRESANTS UNDER THEIR TREE. LASTLY BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THE MONTH WE CELEBRATE OUT LORD AND MASTER JESUS CHRIST."....Scott (14) Indiana

"Christmas to me,is Jesus' Birthday. We celebrate it by giving and recieving gifts because Jesus recieved gifts on that day.".....Donovan (14) USA

"To me Christmas is a time to be happy, and to celebrate Jesus being born and not getting but giving.".....Hazel (14) United States

"Christmas means to me a time to spend with your family, open lots of presents and to enjoy great food at your ancestors house. Most of it means celebrating the birth of our lord and savior JESUS CHRIST."....Mike (17) NC

"Christmas is a time of year to share with your family and friends. It is also a time to have fun."....ma-ma (17) CT

"Christmas means celebrating the day of Gods birth and his birthday."......Victoria (9) Texas

"I think the spirit of Christmas means you thank heavenly Father what he did for us, it's not only opening gifts and having partys but he died for our sins. We must share the thing we have with others and I believe heavenly Father died for us and some of my friends don't understand the true meaning of Christmas so I teach them and they understand what I mean and we always have to ponder and pray."....Chandelia (13) St. Marten

"Christmas is an annual holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. Christmas festivities often combine the commemoration of Jesus' birth with various secular customs, many of which have been influenced by earlier winter festivals."".....Ja'Questa (15) AL

"Christmas is the season to enjoy and have lots of fun. It is also the birth of Jesus. In the busy life of ours we often forget our Saviour, but during this festive occassion you can always come back to God and Thank him, glorify him and of course be born again. After all, Jesus is da reason for the season. Jesus lives. God bless you all.".....Gracelin (14) India

"Christmas means a time of giving, a time for friends and family to share. It's not about receiving gifts it's about giving. Christmas is about celebrating the life of Jesus. In other words Christmas is about family friends and loved ones. It is all about giving not receiving.".....Renae (18) Jamaica

"Christmas to me is about Jesus Christ. It is the time of year that we celebrate his birthday. He died for us, so now we should live for him on his birthday. Everybody thinks that it is mainly about family, but without Jesus we would have no family! Merry Christmas To all."....John (13) New York

"Hi, Christmas means a lot to a lot of people. Be nice and care for each other.".....Daniella (15) Queensland

"Christmas is not all about getting gifts. It's about celebrating Jesus Christ birthday. Christmas is also about getting together with family and having fun. This is what Chrismas means to me."...... Jai' (13) WV

"Eating a good dinner with family and friends.".....Chand (14) Texas

"What does Christmas mean to you? It is to have fun with family and freands.".....Dakota (15) Oklahoma

"To me Christmas means a whole lot to me, presents and toys and all kinds of goodies! But most of all Christmas means to me spending time with your family and friends but most importantly Jesus's birthday!"....Cori (10) Colorado.

About 2000 years ago, God sent his son for YOU ! He died for YOU on a cross, for YOUR sins. "For God so love this world, that he sent his so beloved son to save the world through him." (John 3.16) Christmas is (also) the time for you to accept Jesus on your own life. He's comming back soon : please confess your sins to him before it's too late ! Christmas is the time to spread the new: He's not dead for he's risen! Read the Bible and know more about his LOVE! ......Serge (23) Switzerland

"To me Christmas means about Jesus is born. It also reminds me that you get gifts. It's a time to celebrate with your family, friends,and neighbors. It's a time to get gifts and on CHRISTMAS you get to open your gifts."......Tyra (14) CA

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?"
Here's what kids have had to say.

"To me Christmas means that you spend time with your family. Also to share presents with each other. And learn more about each other."....Lyryk (10) Indiana

"I like Christmas because I get to be with my family. I like to see my family laugh and talk to each other. The best part about Christmas is when someones birthday in your family is on Christmas. I like the part when you get to open up the presents.".....Chardonney (10) Indiana

"To me Christmas means to spend time with your family and celebrate the birth of Christ and make the world a better place. GOD BLESS US ALL WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND MAKE SURE CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER IN YOUR NAME I PRAY AMEN."....Jasmine (10) Indiana

"Christmas means spending time with family and friends and people you care about and the fun stuff you can do with them. And the fun thing like putting up lights and buying and wrapping presents and getting presents.But the best thing to do is spend time with your family and friends and people that you care about that is the best thing to do on Christmas eve or day.".....Chloe (10) Indiana

"Christmas means to me is giving gifts and eating Christmas dinner. Getting Christmas gifts is fun because you get gifts you want.".....Jada (12) USA

"It is a holiday. It is fun, and for giving. It is mostly because of Jesus's birth!!".....Skye (9) Indiana

"It means like a celebration to everyone and it's a fun Christmas because you get toys and they will give you the toys that you always wanted."......Zhane (8) Indiana

"Christmas is fun because you have cool toys.".....Noah (7) Indiana

"Christmas means, spending time with your family and friends and it also mean celebrating Gods birthday."....Ariel (7) Indiana

"I love Christmas because you get presents".....Deja (9) Indiana

"To me Christmas means fun... being reunited with family you have not seen for a long time. Giving and receiving presents. A joyful time and a time where you put up decorations. It is a time where you are excited and impatient...".....Anon (14) England

"Christmas is a time when families get together and give each other presents also remember that it is Jesus birthday.".....DaQuarius (13) Georgia

"Christmas to me is about giving and sharing with your friends and family this is a poem I wrote one year ago: Christmas is about giving, sharing, loving and caring. It's about who you are not what you get share with family or who you just met. That's the end I used to think it was to celebrate the birth of Christ until today in R.E., I found out not only did they not have calenders but he was NOT born on the 25 December or in the year 0 he was born May, June, July or September and in the year 4.".....Jessica (14) Cornwall

"Christmas to me is about counting the number of family members you have instead of counting the number of gifts you have under the tree. Christmas is about giving, not receiving. It's about family, not gifts. It's about love , not greed. It's also about showing appreciation for what you have instead of lusting after the things you want. Most importantly, Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ."....Kwadwo (13) New Jersey, USA

"Dear Jesus...I'm writing this to you because I celebrate YOUR birth every Christmas and I want to thank you for everything you have given and done for not just me but all of your people. God sent you so people could come closer to you and come to realize that life would be so much harder without prayer and believers sitting with you telling you to say with it because Jesus would never give you a challenge he thought you couldn't handle. I love you and I'm so thankful that you are alwasy with me, even if I mess up...you are the one I go to and pray and right then it gets easier...amazing is what you are. I just want everybody to realize that Christmas is Christmas for a reason and that reason is God sent Jesus and Jesus suffered for us and we need to follow Jesus becuase we have to make the choice to go to heaven becuase right now we are watching the boat but walking closer and closer to it and we just have to get in and stay on the path to the boat which we call heaven. So this Christmas ...stop and think about everything you bought and all the money you spent and all the people you bumped pass without saying excuse me because you just wanted to be done shopping....just think you could have made that a much better situation but you chose not to and how does that make you feel?? God made everything a better situation..now go sit down cuddle with your family and watch a great Christmas movie and thank God that you have a family to do that with because some don't and no one should be alone on Christmas....!! {LIVE LIFE TO LIVE ALWAYS} I love you Jesus and thank you so much!!".....Jordan (15) USA

"Christmas means spending time with the people you love like your friends. You can exchange gifts and tell each other much you love each other.".....Kryzzie (13) Indiana

"To me Christmas means a time to give, share, and enjoy your family's company. Christmas is a time to be kind to others. A time to reach out to people who need your help. Even though you should reach out to everyone all the time Christmas is a good time because most of the time it's cold and no one should be out in the cold when others are warm in a house. You need to enjoy everyone's company even if its your annoying sibling or relitive because no one once to be alone on Christmas. That's what Christmas means to me.".....Kristen (13) Indiana

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-18T05:04:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"To me Christmas means a time that everybody comes together in your family. And you get presents. And you put lights up."......Rane (10) Indiana

"To me, Christmas means to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ .To spend time with your family and friends.Also enjoying the presents you recieve from others.".....Malik (10) Indiana

"To me Christmas means to be with your family and be happy and play. It is a time to celebrate Jesus's Birthday. GOD BLESS US ALL.".....Cameron (9) Indiana

"I think it means a time when families come together and open presents.".....Jamal (12) Indiana

"Christmas means to care about your family and celebrate Jesus's birthday and have a holiday spirit. Also you could have a lot of gifts from your family."......Eric (11) Indiana

"My favorite thing about Christmas is the food and my family. My other favorite thing is toys and a lot more.".....Jarica (10) Indiana

"Christmas means getting and giving gifts. I like it because I get presents. I like to spend time with my family. The choice is yours!".....Victoria (8) USA

"Christmas means to have fun and to laugh out loud. And to spend time with your family. To have a good time."....Paige (12) USA

"What Christmas means to me is that you spend time with your family. What Christmas means to me is it about getting gifts. And playing pool, and watching basketball.".....Destin (18) Indiana

" It is about giving. Did you know that when you celebrate Christmas you celebrate Jesus's birthday? Jesus is the most important thing in my entire life.".....Madison (9) Indiana

"Loving and caring and get a break from school and having snowball fights and building snowmen. The most important thing is loving and caring."....Daniel (9) Indiana

"It is fun to put up the Christmas (tree)".....Roidriggeuss (8) Indiana

"It is a time to celebrate with your friends and family."....Chelsie (15) New Zealand

"Christmas means to me celebrating the birth of Christ. Some people think that it is about gifts and spending time with family but most of all it is celebrating Christ's birthday."....Ragine (10) USA

"Christmas to me means time off of school, snow ball fights, a joyful two days with family. Staying up trying to see Santa. Worshiping Jesus' birthday. Playing tag with my cousins. To sum it up the best time of year.".....Molly (11) South Dakota

Christmas to me means God's son Jesus Christ. He came into this world to each us the "real" meaning of CHristmas. It also means doing nice things for someone who is less fortunate. It means peace on earth and goodwill to all men all the time!".....Janis, Idaho

"Christmas to me means being able to be with family and put all your differences aside and really spend time to just share the spirit of Christmas."....Danielle (14) Wisconsin

"I think Christmas means to start the new year and forgetting about the bad things, also telling your children about Jesus.".....Sadaf (11) Indiana

"Christmas means that we celebrate the birth of Jesus because every Christmas he is born. I like to wrap present. I love to spend time with my family."...... Marissa (7) Texas

"Santa brings presents. I like to wrap presents. I love to spend time with my family."....Alan (6) Texas

"Christmas means presents. I like to eat Gingerbread cookies.".....Ryan (7) Texas

"I think that Christmas is a time when everyone in your family should celebrate the joy of the birth of Jesus, also giving and recieving goodies."....Hayzi (11) England

"Christmas is Jesus's birthday. A day where it is better to give than recieve. A day where Jesus's present will be if you just gave and was happy about it. That's the way I roll.".....Darian (14) Indiana

"Christmas means that I get to spend time with family and get lots of presents."....Rathole (13) Indiana

"What Christmas means to me is peace on the Earth, equality for all fellow men, giving to those who are in dire need of help, and spending time with family and friends.".....Roderick (13) Indiana

"Christmas to means, that it's a time where people celebrate a special day with their families. It's also a time where you exchange gifts with other love ones!"....ShadowMan (13) Indiana

"Christmas means a lot to me. It's the time when everyone in my family gets together at one house (two counting my mom and dad's sides). It's the time when everyone can get together, have dinner, give and open presents, and talk about what's been happening in thier lives and/or other things to talk about. It's also the time for family and friends to celebrate the day Jesus Christ was born (even though he was not actually born on the 25th of December). That's what Christmas means to me."....Cara (14) Indiana

What does Christmas mean to you?

2008-12-17T05:03:00.000-08:00

Too often during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season we forget the purpose of the holiday. We ask: "What does Christmas mean to you?" Here's what kids have had to say.

"Christmas means laughing and spending time with your family and friends but most important of all is celebrating the birth of Christ."....Jen (19) New York

"Christmas to me means spending time with those you love and who love you. It's not about presents as a lot of kids think. It's about enjoying the time you have on this Earth. But most importantly it's about forgetting those bad feelings you might have about someone and celebrating the birth of Christ, Jesus, with the world no matter who you are.".....Ella (11) Queensland, Australia

"Christmas to me: Is time that I'm able to spend with family and friends catching up on times that we weren't able to have. And since I live in Japan it doesn't mean as much any more because I'm not able to be with the rest of my family.....but I still love it, not just for getting presents but still being able to be with what family I have."...Brooke (13) Japan

"I pray a lot during the Christmas season, giving my thanks to the Lord. I have 3 children, so at the same time, I must teach them the true meaning of Christmas which is the birth of Jesus. It also means we as a family decorate the inside of the house, we put up a tree, and decorate outside. My children really love this. I also love to give gifts and I enjoy giving to people. Of course spending time with my family is also important. Its exciting!!"....Angie USA

"A Joyful time."...Anna, (15) Devon

"I think Christmas is the greatest...and it means spending time with our most dear."....Adrian (17) Romania

"To me Christmas means a day with laughter fun and not having to worry about problems and about remember Jesus Christ!!!....Elaine, (16) Florida

"What does Christmas mean to me is, our whole family and friends and the whole world about God to tell us to everything that's right."....Tanaya, (12) Arizona

"Jesus' birth not anything more."....Maria, (13) California

"Christmas means spending time with your family and love ones. It also means celebrating the birth of our lord and Savior JESUS CHRIST."....Chris, (15) Florida

"Christmas mean to me is a time for fun and games. a time for family to be happy. A time to thanks god and everyone who make this day come true."....Joshua, (14) South Carolina

"To me Christmas means having fun, eating, drinking eggnog also it is about celebrating the birthday of Jesus."....Jeremy, (13) New York

"Christmas is all about spending time with family and forgiving and for believing in Santa Claus and don't forget it's Jesus' birthday."....Madison, (5) Alberta

"Christmas means to me spending time with family that you haven't seen in a long time and holidays.".....Bianca (13) Australia

"Christmas to me means when you think of people that love you and the people who are loved by you, not just all the presents and the decorations. It's all about giving and recieving and spending time with your loved ones."....Sissy, (15) UK

"Hello everyone may God bless each everyone of you all. Christmas is such a wonderful Holiday,but actually Christmas day is Jesus Christ birthday our Lord.This day doesn't mean go give gifts, but to realize that this is the day God sent his only son so that we might have salvation.This is what it's supose to mean, but we as people made it seem like a day to give gifts and talk aboutSantaa, when we really should be telling the children the true meaning of this day. Everything else is good the gifts and everything, but it's good to remember the true meaning of Christmas. May everyone have a blessed Christmas "rejoice on this day" ....Carmen (19) USA

"Christmas is to me a day to gather together with friends and family and celebrate the day Christ was born. Also a day to put people before you."....Cassie (14) Florida

"It means celebrating baby Christs birth and having happy and joyful moments with the people who love and care for you."....Ashley (13) NSW

"Many people think that sending a present once a year is Christmas. In my eyes Christmas is the birth of Jesus. Every year, first thing in the morning my mother has my brother and I say "Happy Birthday Jesus", and my mother has us children watch The Birth Of Jesus Movie. Christmas is also to be with family- caring, sharing and loving and just being happy and being together. But one needs to carry that out all year through. Love, sharing, caring, keeping in touch with loved ones all year through. I believe it is Jesus's way to keep the spark lighting with Love, Joy, Peace, happiness, and Hope."....Tiffani (10) Arizona

"For me Christmas means to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and it's a time to thank the Lord For What he has done for us in this earth and that he was born in Bethlehem. And it's also time to forget all worries and the hatred that you have against people.. That's all....... may God bless you all."....Kristina (18) Philippines

Nice parent, mean parent

2008-12-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

My dad was the enforcer when I was a kid. If I broke a rule or disobeyed in some major way, my mother would march me to my room, put me inside and close the door. "Just wait until your father comes home," she would say, still angry about my misbehaviour. The waiting usually was worse than the punishment. It was quite effective. That's how it was in the 1950s and '60s - the bygone years when parents ruled the roost.

Each parent and child plays a role in the family. We are predictable to each other. We know the other's steps, what they will say and when - and their vulnerabilities. One role that should be shared equally with a spouse is that of disciplinarian. If one parent has to be the "mean" parent all the time, it could harm his or her relationship with the children, while the other parent gets the glory of being the "good," nice parent. Both parents should agree to present a united front in all discipline issues. Decisions should be delayed until the parents confer with one another.

DOING THE RIGHT THING

I admit to being a weak disciplinarian. As a result, my children started having problems. I'm better now at following through with consequences when my children break a rule. What has helped me more than anything is saying to myself over and over, "I know that I am doing the right thing," no matter how mad at me my children get, how loud they yell at me or how guilty I might feel after I discipline them. - L.M., San Diego

THE DO-GOOD JAR

After bringing home a newborn to a household of older kids, I decided that we needed a system to encourage household responsibility. I created the "Do-Good Jar." Anytime I caught the older children doing something without being asked or with an enthusiastic response, I would allow them to pick an item from the Do-Good Jar. The jar held coupons that could be redeemed for money, videos, a free meal out, free trips, a free movie or even Mom doing one or more of their weekend chores. The children loved it, and the household chores and other responsibilities got done without too much complaining. - Nola S., Roy, Utah

Posted By TOM MCMAHON
The Chatham news daily

Trip tip: Keep a journal

2008-12-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

Life moves so quickly, and with kids, it's life on warped speed. I can remember using a cassette tape to record bedtime stories the first time we left our first baby, now 11 years old.

"What's bedtime without me reading `Goodnight Moon'?" I asked my husband.

"Honey, a 6-month-old will hardly know if it's you or Grandma," he assured.

But I loved the idea of recording traditions, however big or small, and it applies to so many aspects of parenting. Being the record keeper, especially in the memory department, I'm constantly looking for ways to preserve those precious moments in as many ways as possible. We took the kids on a 10-day trip to California, chock full of sightseeing, visits with friends and family, and lots of memories that were sharp in the moment, but would fade over time. I wanted to preserve as much as possible to extend the pleasure for everyone, and to provide a record of a very important time for our family. My tip for fellow moms: Keep a journal, and let everyone participate in writing it.

It doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. In fact, I took along a blank black and white composition notebook – total cost, $1.99. Here are some ideas for fun ways to fill your family journal:

-Itinerary. Up front, I wrote our basic itinerary – I pasted the outline of cities, hotels, restaurants, sights. Each day, I wrote highlights of what we did, where we ate, etc.

-Friends and Family. Believe it or not, we saw 28 family & friends on our 10-day trip, so I also kept a list of those people. You could even make an autograph page and have the folks you visit leave notes for the kids.

-Funny Quotes. We also kept a "funny quotes" page which the kids loved, where we kept track of the offbeat and funny things we said or heard ("Hey, that RV has a mailbox!").

-Handprints. Our kids are relatively young, so this was a fun keepsake. You could also do footprints of really young kids, which makes for giggly fun. We helped each kid trace their hand & illustate a page including their favorite parts, meals, experiences of the trip to put their handprint – literally – in the journal.

-Favorites/Highlights. It was fun to share favorite experiences, and to see what gave the kids the biggest thrills. Our tour of Alcatraz was a universal favorite for a while, until we saw Shamu at Sea World, and I fulfilled a life-long dream of swimming with dolphins. But even the seemingly smaller adventures got lots of votes – throwing a football at sunset on the beach; eating ice cream before dinner; watching seals sunbathe on a pier; driving Lombard – the Crooked Street (three times!); and on and on.

Then, I started writing, and writing. My husband and kids also made entries, so it became a great collaborative effort. With young kids and long days, you end up in hotels with lots of time on your hands, but it's hard to blare the TV or radio when little ones are asleep. It was so fun to curl up in a chair and remember the fun of each day. Plus, on long car rides between our stops, it made for some fun reading & recalling.

We wrote only on the right-hand pages, and I plan to add souvenirs/keepsakes like tickets, brochures, etc. to illustrate the book. I'm the least artistic person you'll ever meet, but this was a fun, simple way to capture and preserve the moments ... together.

Amy Kossoff Smith, Founder of The Business of Motherhood, is a nationally recognized Mompreneur who owns a Web site, www.BusinessofMotherhood.com, and blog, www.MomTiniLounge.com. Available 24/7, just like Moms, the Web sites offer parenting tips, resources, and a host of ways to manage the job of motherhood.

AMY KOSSOFF SMITH
The Business of Motherhood

Rearing children is a perplexing task

2008-11-26T04:46:00.000-08:00

Recently trying to console a longtime friend, a parent with heart broken by repeated misbehavior of a child old enough to know better and do better, reminds us how extremely difficult it is to raise children in this mixed up, messed up world.

"Things are not what they used to be," may be the understatement of the century. Both parents and grandparents scratch their confused heads and ask: "When did children begin to think they were supposed to run the world?"

I do know, in another time, I never had the slightest idea of removing control from my parents. One reason was that my father had his own strong opinion on what was meant by "rearing" children.

Although not always as effective, the method of "parental permissiveness" came along after I married and we had children of our own. This child-rearing philosophy does not always work, with parents who say to children: "Listen to me! No! You are not going to do it! And that's my 'semifinal' word on this matter!"

President Harry Truman, who had one child, Margaret, said: "The way you get along in raising children is find out what they want to do, and tell them they can do it."

Strong, fearless leader of the free world that he was, this hardly seemed consistent with President Truman. But it does show that when it comes to raising children, usual logic goes out the window.

Picture that first big date: Dad gives teenage son the key to his car, a bonus allowance, let's him wear his new sports coat, but he can't tell the boy, "Son, have a good time!" The boy would probably say, "Don't tell me what to do!"

Posted in Times Herald

Jim Griffith

Faithful gay unions don't threaten marriage

2008-11-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

In the early-morning hours of May 1, New York Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested in Virginia for drunk driving. Fossella, a married man with three children, was released into the custody of retired Air Force Lt. Col. Laura Fay, a woman with whom Fossella was conducting an extra-martial affair. The affair resulted in a child that’s now three years old.

But Vito Fossella and Laura Fay aren’t the biggest threats to marriage; it’s monogamous gays and lesbians. At least that’s the notion many religious conservatives are attempting to sell.

The issue of marriage rights for same-sex couples reappeared on the political radar last month when the California Supreme Court ruled the state’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. It’s not surprising that religious conservatives are trying to get the decision reversed via referendum this fall; they have genuine religious convictions on the issue. What is peculiar, however, is their obsession with same-sex marriage and bizarre insinuation that monogamous gays pose a greater threat to marriage than adulterous straights.

Even if gays and lesbians are at odds with Biblical teachings, it’s difficult to argue that their relationships put heterosexual marriages at risk. The biggest threats to marriage are unfaithful spouses, abusive spouses and parents who neglect or abandon their children. To blame gays and lesbians for these wider societal problems is nothing more than ugly scapegoating.

Monogamy, which should be the core of the same-sex marriage debate, is one of Christianity’s great gifts to mankind. It’s the belief that no matter how rich or powerful an individual becomes, he or she only gets one spouse. It’s a form of sexual egalitarianism that has delivered predominantly Christian societies unprecedented stability and happiness. Surveys show that married people in durable, long-term and monogamous relationships are more content than society as a whole, and there is no reason this beneficial arrangement shouldn’t include gays and lesbians.

Marriage is strengthened, not weakened, by including people who accept the worthy idea of faithful, lifetime relationships. The belief that a committed, loving same-sex couple can somehow undermine a committed, loving opposite-sex couple doesn’t pass the test of logic. Vito Fossella is a threat to marriage. Those seeking what Vito Fossella threw away -- gay or straight -- are not.

Editorial post in the tomah journal

The hardest part of my job is that everyone lies about parenting

2008-11-12T02:36:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, there was lots of chatter in the media about how models gave girls bad role models. Today that’s old news. What we should talk about now is how the media portrays moms.

Take a look at the spread in People magazine of Jennifer Lopez and her one-month-old twins. The photos are so elegant that at first I thought it was a parody. But in fact, it is mommy porn: the visual fantasy of what being a working mom could be. And it really could be that, if it weren’t that someone like Jennifer Lopez must have a household full of helpers in order to keep her career on track while she has kids: a cook, a trainer, two or three nannies, a cleaner, an assistant, a stylist. And others I’m sure I can’t even imagine.

Here’s another example of mommy porn: Angelina Jolie, and her fifty kids. She has a rule that the nannies (plural, yes, each kid has their own) cannot be photographed holding the kids, because it’s bad for Angelina’s image as a mom. But this is the problem: It looks like these very successful women have it all, even though they don’t.

Here’s what happens: Some reporter interviews someone about their big job. And then the person ends up talking about the mythic work-life-balance topic. And they say something like, “Throughout my career I did [insert something that is supposed to be wonderful for children] for my kids.” And now, of course, we must assume that the kids are doing fine. But why do we believe that? Why do we even ask? We have no hope of learning the truth. After all, there are very few people in the world who are in a position to say that their career is, as they speak, harming their kids.

So journalists writing about moms being moms are not reporting the truth. It is propaganda. It is parents saying that they lived their lives in a way that was good for their kids. But really, who knows? The reporter has little ability to check. So all we’re left with is the parents giving their subjective and hugely biased opinion that their kids are turning out fine.

I’m not saying that every kid is messed up from their parents’ careers. I’m saying that I’m sick of learning about how famous families want us to think they are doing by looking at what is really only mommy porn, what is really just parenting propaganda.

So look, in the interest of truth-telling, I’m telling you this: people are not being honest about what it’s like to be with kids. People are scared to admit that they would rather be at work than with their kids, because work is easier than parenting. (Notable exception: Sally Krawcheck.) If I have to read about how much someone loves their kids one more time, I’m gonna puke. Because we all know that parents love their kids. It’s not interesting. It’s not helpful. It’s not even very relevant. For anyone.

What’s interesting is the part where parents love their kids but don’t love being with them on a daily basis. It’s very scary to write. But I’m telling you, if the feeling weren’t ubiquitous then there would be no one to be in middle management working 9-5 because they’d all be home with their kids, doing freelance work after bedtime.

People are choosing to go to work rather than stay with their kids all day. But no one talks about making this choice because they are scared their kids will read it. I’m not sure what the right answer is. I just know that somehow there has to be a more honest discussion of parenting in this world.

So with all the mommy porn, the media does a lot to make us think that work life balance is possible, in the same way anorexic bodies without treatment for anorexia is possible.

So there’s real damage from mommy porn. Everyone begins thinking that every woman should be parenting gracefully while working full time. This gives people the temerity to ask me, nearly every day: Who takes care of your kids?

That’s right. The genesis of this rant is that I was meeting with an investor – a guy in his early 40s – and we were talking about my travel schedule and he asked, “Who takes care of your kids?”

I told this to one of my board members and he said, “What??? Why did you answer that question?”

I said I answer it because I get the question every single day. Literally. And I don’t think twice about it anymore. But in fact, it’s a totally offensive question. Here’s how I’m so sure: I tried it out on Mr. Sales Guy. And even though Mr. Sales Guy and I work the same number of hours, he said something to the effect of, “I’m not really sure what goes on with the kids all day, you have to ask my wife.” He answered the question as if we were doing girl talk. As if I had asked him, “What brand of tampon does your wife use?”

So I want to tell you something: Women earn more than men in most major cities today. And in corporate America, up and down the ladder, women and men are on equal footing in the workplace in terms of who gets paid what, as long as neither party has kids. But the level of expectations people have for parenting is absolutely insane. The mommy porn feeds this problem. Everyone is drawn to the ideal of Angelina Jolie as the perfect combination of careerist and mother like the Pied Piper’s tune, and these attitudes are more exhausting to me than any amount of actual parenting ever is.

Penelope Trunk is a career columnist at the Boston Globe. Her syndicated column has run in more than 200 publications. Earlier, she was a software executive, and then she founded two companies. She has been through an IPO, an acquisition and a bankruptcy. Before that she played professional beach volleyball. Her book is Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success (Warner, May 2007).

Posted in Penelopetrunk.com

Rising gas, food and other costs magnify struggles of raising children alone

2008-11-05T04:36:00.000-08:00

(3/3)
Single parents look for outside support to get through day-to-day.

Finding joy

At Fair Havens, Dean said her 4-year-old and 1-year-old have finally landed in a place they love as she's able to spend time with them playing outside during the evening.

Cooper said the support of her church and its activities for her young kids have helped get them through the last year they've been ready to question why dad's not around anymore.

Church support is one way to "celebrate" these single-parent families when society often doesn't, said Burke Brack, singles minister at Golf Course Road Church of Christ.

The church helps take singles and their children to a camp every summer where they get an affordable vacation and a chance to talk with people going through the same things.

It's conversations like these that help Guy McKenzie know he's doing an OK job with his 17-year-old daughter, who he said he's often a little protective of since he knows what's going through teenage boy's minds.

"It's really good to have the insight of other singles," he said. "To know that things are just normal and not so out of whack."

Since Green knows she doesn't always have the time or resources to do anything extra with her kids, she's enrolled both in Big Brothers Big Sisters where they get to participate in a variety of activities and talk with someone else about everything from gymnastics to more serious things they might have asked their dad.

"They want two parents in their home," Green said. But, since that isn't the case, the support of other adults has been a great release.

Tisdale said these mentors are meant to give kids like the Greens some extra attention and show them life isn't always serious -- a sentiment many single-parent families can't always make a reality.

Trying to do that, though, and taking time for self-maintenance is something Hagler said single parents have to learn.

"Nothing is ever done," Hagler said. "You just learn to go to bed knowing there's dirty dishes in the sink."

Some resources for single-parent families:

- First Baptist Church offers divorce care and other programs for single parents and their kids. For more information contact Minister with singles David Nobles at 683-0611.

- Helping Hands, 699-4900 distributes food weekly and offers assistance with rent, utilities, medical expenses and other things.

- West Texas Opportunities, 685-8311, is currently distributing free diapers and baby wipes as well giving assistance with utilities and other necessities.

- St. Vincent de Paul Ministries, 684-3887, opens its food pantry each Saturday morning and offers short-term assistance with rent, utilities and other things.

- Casa de Amigos, 682-9701, offers health and dental services, education and social services for families with essential needs.

- Midland Fair Havens, 689-3411, serves single mothers who are homeless or in danger of becoming homeless and aims to equip them for self-sufficient living.

- Big Brothers Big Sisters, 687-0195, provides mentors for children missing a parent. They are currently seeking volunteers, especially men as most of the requests for pairings come for young boys.

- Golf Course Road Church of Christ has a singles ministry and helps take families to single-parent camp each summer. Contact Burke Brack for more information at 694-8836.

- MidCities Community Church has several small groups, community service and other activities for singles. Contact Associate Pastor of adult ministries Tom Vermillion for more information at 522-1330.

- Crossroads Church is hosting a conference for Single adults June 13-14. Visit http://www.crossroadsodessa.com/ for more information.

----------------
Post in My West Texas
Kathleen Thurber
Kathleen Thurber can be reached at kthurber@mrt.com.

Rising gas, food and other costs magnify struggles of raising children alone

2008-10-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

(2/3)

Single parents look for outside support to get through day-to-day.

Scheduling chaos

Though it's not the highest paying job, Cooper said, they're flexible in letting her attend school functions or taking her kids to the doctor if needed -- which in her case is a crucial benefit.

For Green that's simply not an option. Her 9-year-old son Christian has Klinefelter's syndrom and needs to attend summer school to keep up with his class, but because school transportation doesn't run during the summer and classes let out while Green's at work he's unable to go.

Even if it's after work, parents said, juggling schedules without a partner to pitch in takes skill and sometimes means having to tell children "no."

Kathy Hagler, who adopted her 7-year-old daughter as a single a few years ago, said she quickly learned the stress of trying to be there for her adoptive teenage son who was working his first job and getting home long after her daughter's 8 p.m. bedtime.

Childcare costs

Hagler's daughter attends Washington Elementary where she receives free after-school care during the year, she said, but even with attending one of the lesser expensive childcare centers during the summer costs have still gone up.

"It's a big chunk out of our budget," she said.

The average cost of daycare in Texas in 2008 is estimated between $5,700 to $7,400 per child depending on age, according to the National and Texas Associations of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies.

With the median income of single mothers in Texas at about $20,860 -- nearly $3,000 less than the national average -- those childcare costs often take about 36 percent of a mother's income, according to NACCRRA.

Getting the basics

Next to housing assistance, area social service agencies report requests for utility bill assistance and food supplies are on the rise, as well.

To keep young children healthy, said outreach specialist at West Texas Opportunities Michael Barriga, parents often have to run the air conditioner to some extent. Staff at Catholic Charities said in addition to that summer expense, some families are in need of more food because their children aren't able to get to their public school each day to receive the free and reduced lunches they may have during the schoolyear.

"I think we're just seeing the beginning of it," said Big Brothers Big Sisters' Executive Director Sandra Tisdale. "The full ramifications have yet to be felt."

Of the roughly 25 million workers receiving food stamps -- which translates to about $7.16 per household per day -- more than 50 percent go to single-parent households, according to the Heritage Foundation, a conservative research group.

Dean said she's been stretching her food budget by cooking everything at home and making a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches, though she said she's noticed her food stamps don't buy quite as much as they used to.

Support to Busby SEO Test

2008-10-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Even though searches haven't crawled this site, i still wonder if this will make an impact in my friend's efforts to have her Busby SEO Test page work.

In any effect, this is as a support. Check out the video below created by another contestant.

<a href="http://www.linkedtube.com/HQ1Fxn1IdIQ40b68037695c27b0fbb979bf857d0c4e.htm">LinkedTube</a>

Rising gas, food and other costs magnify struggles of raising children alone

2008-10-22T04:27:00.000-07:00

(1/3)

Single parents look for outside support to get through day-to-day

Brandy Dean stopped taking her medication a few weeks ago.

One of her children is being treated by a specialist in Odessa and with gas prices inching closer to $4 a gallon combined with the cost of medication, the single mom had to eliminate spending everywhere she could.

To meet rising food, gas and other costs, Christy Green has spent much of the last few years working for the Department of Public Safety during the day and waiting tables at night.

Even with babysitting help from her mom, childcare funds from West Texas Opportunities and previous stints of food stamps, Green says the day-to-day of single parenting continues to be a struggle.

"I can't just get away," said Green, who said the only indulgence she allows herself is sometimes wearing makeup. "I don't even try."

With the average cost of food increasing about 6 percent from this time last year, coupled with record fuel prices and local rental rates that in some instances have nearly doubled in the last few years, even many nuclear families are feeling the pinch. But for some of the more than 880,000 single-parent families in Texas, the financial squeeze is straining what was already a tight situation.

"Especially in a booming town like this you really start to see the disparity between the haves and the have nots," said Kevin Harrington, who helps organize the St. Vincent de Paul Ministries that offer short-term support to low-income families.

Housing crunch

While requests have increased in most social service organizations across the board, Harrington and others agreed the biggest need for single parents locally is assistance with rent as many going to re-sign their lease realize they can't afford the jump in monthly charges.

Dean came to Midland Fair Havens in November after she was cut off from food stamps and struggling to pay rent and daycare costs that exceeded $1,300 a month.

"I don't know how we made it then," she said.

Fair Havens houses single moms who are homeless or in danger of becoming homeless while they work to become more self-sufficient. Dean is studying to become a nurse and working at Midland College. She also participates in narcotics anonymous meetings while staff at Fair Havens watch her children.

R'Ev Finley, a single mom whose kids are now in their 20s, said for many of the single pregnant women she sees while teaching at the Life Center, it may come down to living in groups to get by.

Though she said this communal style is not "the American way" it's going to have to become more accepted if many local young women want to have shelter and food for their children.

"I don't say it's impossible," she said of raising children completely independantly. "But it's a feat."

Alicia Cooper and her two children have already followed this advice to some extent. She moved in with her mother after she and her husband divorced last year so she'd have someone to share basic expenses with.

"If I didn't have my family to help me I'd be broke all the time," said Cooper, who took a job in the Children's Ministry at First Baptist Church after joining their singles group last year.

Raising children lessens retirement needs

2008-10-15T04:20:00.000-07:00

How does the cost of raising a family affect your retirement planning?

The answer is good news in a backhanded kind of way.

When we have children we voluntarily reduce our adult standard of living so we can raise the kids. Since our adult standard of living is lower than it would otherwise be, we don't need to replace as much income at retirement.

We could figure this out by using actual estimates - you can get them by Googling "cost of raising a child" or by checking the links with this article on my Web site.

But let's try a simpler method.

I call it the "N" factor. While there is a great deal of research on how the size and age of a household affects its cost of living, a simple algorithm comes pretty close.

Here's the algorithm: The cost of living for a household is the square root of the number of people in the household. So if you are single, your cost of living is the square root of 1 or 1.

But if you are recently married, your cost of living is the square root of 2, or 1.414. Yes, two can't live for the price of one. But they can live for only 42percent more than the price of one. Economists call this "economies of shared living." As economist Laurence J. Kotlikoff and I show in "Spend 'til the End," to be released by Simon and Schuster on Tuesday, the size of your household while working has a major impact on your retirement needs.

You can understand this by figuring out the cost of raising children.

Using the "N" factor, your cost of living with one child is the square root of 3, or 1.73. Have a second child and your cost of living is the square root of 4, or 2.

So how much of your cost of living is accounted for by having two children?

Answer: About 30 percent. You and your spouse account for the other 70 percent of your cost of living.

Now let's consider a more concrete example - a young, single-earner couple with an income of $100,000 a year, two children, and the usual assortment of debts. They'll pay 7.6 percent of their income in employment taxes, about 8 percent in federal income taxes, and they'll save perhaps 4 percent in a company 401(k) plan.

The conventional wisdom of the financial services industry says they might need to replace as much as 85 percent of income in retirement because the usual 70 percent to 85percent rule ignores two of the largest realities of life in America - debt and children.

Talk about major omissions.

About 25 percent of this couple's income will go for debt service - their mortgage, car loans, credit card and education debt. With a bit of attention they can manage to pay off all these debts by the time they retire.

That leaves about 55 percent of their income to pay all their other expenses, including the cost of the kids. But the "N" factor tells us that the kids cost about 30 percent of that - call it 16 percent of their gross income - leaving 39 percent for the parents.

Of course, adding taxes back in might increase the percentage of gross income that must be replaced, but the total is still a ballpark away from the 70 percent to 85 percent used by the financial services industry.

In fact, this household probably won't pay taxes.

Social Security benefits at full retirement age will replace about 24percent of a $100,000-a-year worker's wages. (They will replace a higher percentage for workers who earn less.) The worker's spouse will be entitled to a spousal benefit equal to half the worker's benefit, if he or she is the same age. That's another 12percent, for a total of 36 percent.

Note that 36 percent is pretty close to 39 percent - the income they had to spend on themselves most of their adult lives.

Indeed, under current law they could take $18,000 a year (another 18 percent of replacement rate) from their retirement savings plan and still pay zilch in federal income taxes. That means they can spend 54 percent of their pre-retirement income, well over what they had while raising children!

Maybe our collective futures aren't as dismal as the financial services industry wants us to believe.

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Posted in Daily Breeze.com

Scott Burns

My mother criticizes my parenting

2008-10-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

It drives me crazy. How can I get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

The question

My mother's driving me crazy with her criticism of my parenting.

She's always saying we spoil our children, going on and on about how she did it in her day, and so on.

I actually blew up at her on Mother's Day and I feel incredibly guilty. I love her to death, but it makes me crazy when she criticizes me about my kids. I think I'm doing a good job. How can I get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

The answer

Well, on the one hand, don't even get me started about how annoying unsolicited parenting advice can be.

For years I was a stay-at-home dad.

Moms complain about all the unsolicited advice they get from random busybodies, sanctimonious babushkas and Nosy Parkers on the street.

But imagine, ladies, when they got a load of me!

A huge, stubbled, confused-looking man pulling a bottle of "express milk" out of the cargo pocket of his army pants and jamming it in the craw of his screaming, tomato-faced kid, trying to shut him up.

The babushka would freeze, her hump tingling with anticipation. Her whole life - all 176 years of it - was a preparation for this moment. Throwing herself in the path of my stroller, she would point an ancient, crooked finger like a gnarly old oak twig at my then-infant son, Nicholas (who's now a brilliant, beautiful, eminently sensible and exquisitely sensitive 11-year-old, by the way, babushkas of the world), and croak out her edict: "Your baby cold! Needs another layer!"

Or - and this one would always kill me - "He needs his mommy!"

That line was like a knife in my heart, would make me want to drop to my knees, clutch the hem of the babushka's traditional mourning garment and sob: "No, babushka, no ... don't say ... that ..."

But all I ever did was smile and say: "Thank you for your input. You've certainly given me something to think about." And roll Nick away with a frozen rictus of faux gratitude affixed to my kisser.

Why? Because, ladies, that became, in time, my policy.

At first, I would bristle and argue; but I came to realize there was no point, it was a fruitless waste of energy. People who love giving free, unsolicited advice are not going to change their ways just because you act haughty and say something frosty. All you do is create friction and bad blood.

And sometimes, horribly, the busybodies actually have a point. If you drop the bristling and listen, from time to time you can get good advice, even in this unsolicited, off-the-street format.

It can be tough to implement this "smile and say thanks" policy, I know - especially, I found, in the face of parenting wisdom from people who don't actually have kids themselves.

And FYI, having "nieces and nephews" does not confer expert parenting status on you, people. Anyone can be an uncle. You come in, distribute a few presents, a toy or two, some loose change, maybe bust a couple of magic tricks, then leave on a high note, bidding adieu, pressing your bunched fingers to your lips.

Trust me, there are times we parents would also like to leave on a high note, bidding adieu, pressing our fingers to our lips. But we don't have that option.

Unlike various aunts and uncles, though, your mother does have a lot of direct parenting experience - from raising you.

And her experience was this: For something like the first 30 years of your life, you were wrong about pretty much everything. So it's automatic for her, it's second nature to correct and reprove you and attempt to steer you in the right direction.

Second, parenting has changed unbelievably since her day. And sometimes (like when I go to a restaurant where someone has brought their kids) I think parents of previous generations have a point when they say our kids are spoiled, undisciplined and obnoxious, and we're too precious with them.

I think of my kids as reasonably well-behaved, but after a weekend in the care of my wife's parents, I'm amazed at the transformation: When we arrive back home, they file out of the kitchen, in single file, hair parted neatly on one side, seen but not heard, practically addressing my wife, Pam, and I as "Sir" and "Madam."

Of course, it only lasts until the grandparents' car disappears down the street, but sometimes one can't help but wonder: What if they were like that all the time?

Now I'm not qualified to say what way of bringing up kids is better or worse. All children are different and so are all parents. Suffice it to say you could probably learn a lot from your mother if you stopped bristling and being defensive.

But you're responsible for how your kids turn out. Therefore you have the final say in how to handle them. There is such a thing as being polite yet firm, of saying something such as: "Thanks, Mom, I appreciate it, but I prefer to do it this way."

Still, you owe her an apology. She gave birth to you in pain and suffering. She had horrible nights and frustrating days with you, as you now know. She compromised her dreams, ideals, figure, social life, rest, independence and so much else to protect you and keep you warm, dry and happy, as you now know.

She's owed at least one day on which she is honoured with unstinting patience and tolerance. Since you ruined that with your outburst, why not make it up with a bunch of flowers, maybe a nice dinner and a card that reads: "Mom, I appreciate everything you've done for me, including and especially bestowing upon me the gift of life."

Because hey: If she hadn't done that, you wouldn't be around to feel irritated, now, would you?

David Eddie is a screenwriter and the author of Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.

DAVID EDDIE
From Friday's Globe and Mail

Family Outing

2008-10-01T04:10:00.000-07:00

If you're conscious and able to read the English language, you will laugh all the way through Family Outing. But be warned: Sometimes your laughter will be the horrified kind. Funny or not, this book may just piss you off.

Books about gay parenting have been coming fast and furious for years, and so have memoirs about being the child of a gay parent. In her 2005 book Families Like Mine, Minnesota author Abigail Garner gave what might have been the most honest and all-encompassing picture yet of what it's like to grow up in a gay-identified family. Garner interviewed hundreds of teens whose parents were gay, and talked about her own experiences as the child of a gay father and straight mother.

Troy Johnson builds on that tradition. But especially if you're the lesbian parent of a boy, his book might be disturbing to you. This is no "I realized she was just like everyone else and then everything was super" tale. It's the kind of book you really ought to read, but it might feel like a mouthful of tacks covered in hot fudge.

That's because Johnson tells the absolute truth about what having a gay parent was like for him: It was kind of a train wreck. He acknowledges the other factors that made his childhood rough — his mother and father's divorce, learning that his mother was gay from a vengeful ex-partner, and other difficulties helped out. But in describing how he felt about having a gay parent, he pulls no punches. He loved his mom, but he had other, more unruly feelings as well.

A difficult story like this might be best heard from someone like Johnson, whose irreverence is nothing short of hilarious and whose bluntest statements are always tempered with his love for his mother. The first chapter of the book is called "Tattle Dyke and Freckle Spawn." Tattle Dyke is appropriately named, because she's the one who tells Troy and his sister that their mother is gay. Freckle Spawn is Tattle Dyke's daughter, whom Troy and Kim despise almost as much as Tattle Dyke.

"Tattle Dyke was unnaturally gaunt, her metabolism souped up like a stock car from a lifetime of smoking. She had slivers for lips, as if they had been surgically tucked and pinned to her gums. Her helmet of black hair looked like a compressed afro, and her facial expression was always that of someone who has just watched a relative die," Johnson writes of his mother's former partner.

The book begins with Tattle Dyke outing his mom, and Johnson relates everything he remembers feeling about it, and everything that happened after: his blossoming into an unusually creative juvenile delinquent, his rage that he couldn't express, his confusion about what his mother's homosexuality meant for him, and his embarrassment at being the child of a lesbian.

Perhaps the hardest thing for him to discuss, although he does it anyway, is how his relationship with his mother changed because his understanding of her changed. "Kids of straight parents can't relate to this — and for good reason. They don't call them straight parents. They just call them parents. When someone asks, 'what are your parents like? Who are they?' kids of straight parents don't think," 'Well, Dad's a heterosexual.' They think, 'Well, Dad's a plumber, and he likes beer and NASCAR.'"

Because everyone else's reaction made it clear that who his mom had sex with was now the most important thing about her, he explains, he became preoccupied with it — and the way he found out damaged his ability to trust her and to know that she was the same mom she had always been. Hearing the news from someone he hated, instead of his mother, allowed questions to creep in that she could have answered.

"I didn't say that my knowledge of her sexuality had shrunk the comfort zone between us. …I didn't tell her that against my will some demented part of my brain was constantly flashing images of her doing lesbian things," he writes. "I didn't tell her that on at least one occasion I had wondered whether, when cuddling me as a child, an inappropriate part of her had tingled."

There's really no way to summarize what's brilliant about Johnson's memoir. Anyone will enjoy it because it's hilarious, but gay parents and potential parents really ought to read it. His innermost thoughts, fears, and problems might be any child's in the same situation. It's a good read, but it's also a clear warning that coming out to your kids can be traumatic in ways you never dreamed of.

Posted in gaywired.com
Troy Johnson
Arcade Publishers

In Praise of Marriage and Parenting

2008-09-25T04:10:00.000-07:00

My wife Connie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary yesterday. Outside of the decision to trust Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, my marriage to this wonderful woman was the best decision I ever made in my life. Connie has given me three terrific children, and they have given us six spectacular grandchildren. None of our kids has been hooked on drugs or alcohol. They have not been arrested or jailed. (Although, with the way our government is passing laws contrary to the principles of liberty and decency, it is getting increasingly more difficult for any of us to stay out of jail.) They are polite, respectful, and courteous Christians. Our daughters-in-law and son-in-law are absolutely magnificent. We are all as close as any family can possibly be. As far as I am concerned, no matter what else I achieve--or fail to achieve--in this world, the family that God has given me makes my life a success. Anything else pales in comparison.

In addition, it seems to me that far too many people in our country overlook the importance of child rearing. Many seem to feel that just about everything else--job, career, money, "success," etc.--occupies a higher priority than raising honest, God-fearing children. However, Connie and I decided years ago that raising our children would be a priority in our lives, and boy, we are glad we did!

I'll say it straight out: it does not take a village to raise kids; it takes loving and courageous parents. Parents who are not afraid to discipline their children (yes, Martha, I mean old fashioned spanking: applying the board of education to the seat of knowledge); parents who are willing to spend time teaching their children right from wrong; parents who will take--not send--their children to church; parents who will pray with their children; parents who care more about truth and right than they do about being well-liked or politically correct; parents who will teach their kids to say "Yes, Sir," and "Yes, Ma'am"; parents who are not afraid to say "No" to their children; dads who think it is more important that they be a father to their sons than a "buddy"; and moms who would rather their daughters had pure hearts than popular friends.

How is it that when it comes to leadership expectations, most people ignore a man's leadership at home? It is almost as if parental leadership is a complete non-factor in judging a person's fitness for anything. Now, please do not get me wrong: I am not suggesting that bad children cannot come from good homes. Goodness, no! I have seen very vile young people come out of some of the most righteous homes, and likewise, I have seen some of the most wonderful and Godly young people come out of the most wretched homes. I am only saying that real leadership is established and proven in the home first. Yet, it does not appear that too many people give parental leadership a second thought anymore. Perhaps this explains much as to what has gone wrong in our society.

Yes, I am aware of the various and sundry political and societal attacks against marriage and parenting. I see the many battles in the "culture war." I see the attempts to redefine the meaning of marriage, to wrestle control and authority of the home away from the parents, and to bombard our children with ideas and philosophies that will ultimately ruin their lives. And, yes, it could come to a point that decent families will be forced to make the same kind of choices that our Pilgrim forebears had to make.

That said, however, the power of marriage and parenting is still the greatest force in the world. Good families can stem the tide of humanism, socialism, fascism, globalism, or any other "ism" that seeks to enslave us. Good families can preserve liberty and independence, fight off totalitarianism, resist corporate elitism, and promote faith and virtue. Good families are the backbone of our country's greatness, and the lack of good families will be the cause of our country's fall from greatness.

Greedy, power-mad politicians are no match for a generation of strong marriages. Young people with character and courage trump purveyors of pretension any day. One principled champion--trained and equipped by strong, stalwart parents--will put a thousand moral weaklings to flight.

While Pharaoh built his monuments, a humble Hebrew mother taught and nurtured her son, a little boy miraculously drawn forth from the watery reeds. That little boy became the deliverer of his people. It was a Godly mother and father that produced the prophet who would anoint the greatest king of Israel. It was a Spirit-filled mother and father who produced the forerunner of the Messiah. And it was a virtuous, principled mother--not a government agency, educational institution, or commercial enterprise--whom God chose to bring the Savior of mankind into the world.

Furthermore, while the potentates and governments of the earth gazed steadfastly upon the might and power of the British Empire, no one noticed the humble homes of Colonial America, where mothers and fathers worked by the light of hearth and candle to discipline, teach, and inspire a generation of patriots unlike the world has ever seen.

Strong, committed, principled parenting has done more to change the course of history, depose despots, promote righteousness, protect virtue, and secure liberty than all of the colleges, corporate boardrooms, and presidential palaces combined. And who knows? At this very moment, mothers and fathers across America could be nurturing and training the next generation of patriots who will rise up and restore the principles of liberty and greatness to our land? I will tell you this: if parents do not do it, no one else can.

Dr. Baldwin is the host of a lively, hard-hitting syndicated radio talk show on the Genesis Communications Network called, "Chuck Baldwin Live" This is a daily, one hour long call-in show in which Dr. Baldwin addresses current event topics from a conservative Christian point of view. Pastor Baldwin writes weekly articles on the internet http://www.ChuckBaldwinLive.com and newspapers.

Posted in News With Views
Chuck Baldwin

Are parents today getting it all wrong?

2008-09-17T04:02:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about something entirely different this week but the passionate response I received from readers to my last post got me thinking further about this matter, specifically the way we discipline our kids today compared to in the past.

I was honestly surprised to discover how many of you felt that smacking was a necessary step in disciplining your children. But I was even more surprised that it was not just the older generation saying this but parents of young children.

Certainly there were many readers who felt, as I do, that smacking a child is wrong for the reasons I pointed out. However, just as many felt that the lack of smacking was part of the 'soft' approach to parenting that is contributing to a generation of spoilt, badly behaved, disrespectful children.

I don't wish to generalise about children today as the vast majority of them are bright, inquisitive, loving and well-behaved (most of the time!) However, it is undeniable that the behaviour you would find at your local school is very different now to 30 years ago when smacking and even the cane was accepted practice.

So it begs the question, have we gone too soft? And has the decline in physical punishment played a part, or has something else changed?

Personally, I wonder if rather than it being a smack that kids are crying out for these days it is our time? If we have become so stressed and busy in our complicated lives we're depriving our children of the one thing they so desperately need, our attention.

One of the comments on the previous blog stated that while physical punishment is not ideal, emotional punishment such as verbal abuse can be far more damaging and I wholeheartedly agree. But I believe even more damaging is the child who receives no punishment at all because nobody noticed the behaviour in the first place.

Maybe the kids we complain about who roam the streets causing trouble would benefit from a smack, not because of the smack, but because it meant someone cared enough to punish them.
You have to wonder if we've gone from one extreme to the other, from imposing punishments that were overly harsh to having no consequences at all. Or are we better parents than the previous generation because we have learnt to respect our children's rights and allow them opinions and choices?

I guess I sit somewhere in the middle. I don't want to be too 'soft' and let my son run free with no rules or limits, but I also want to allow him to express his feelings even if it means the occasion tantrum is the result of it. I know some days I feel like throwing one!

Interestingly, many of you commented that often the best way to dissolve a toddler tantrum is to talk to your child and see what the problem is rather than punishing the naughty behaviour. But couldn't we apply this to disruptive behaviour from a child of any age?

If you looked into the background of a teenager who is fighting at school you would most likely find some serious emotional issues hidden under all that aggression. Thirty years ago that child would probably have been given the cane and a stern talking to. These days they would most likely be expelled, leaving them to fall between the cracks, branded as a failure and set for an uphill battle to prove otherwise. As much as I abhor the thought of the cane you do have to wonder which is potentially more damaging to that child's future.

I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but in my opinion using praise to reward a child for good behaviour is a powerful tool. I believe children inherently want to do well to make us proud and will do whatever it takes to capture and hold our attention. So it stands to reason if they get more of our focus when they do the wrong thing than when they behave they will act up every time, whether they are two or fifteen.

On the other hand, you don't want to praise them so much they end up with an over inflated ego thinking they can do no wrong. Perhaps some of the kids we see auditioning for Australian Idol could have benefited from a little more honesty and a little less praise! It's all about balance.

That's the thing with parenting, there's no manual, no right or wrong way and you don't get a second chance. You just do the best you can with what you know at the time and hope like hell it is enough. The only thing I know for sure of is you can never say 'I love you' too much, or hug too many times. That is the one thing that will never change.

Are we better parents now than the previous generation or are we getting it all wrong?

Our maternal instincts have gone to the dogs

2008-09-10T03:58:00.000-07:00

As I read that wonderful front-page story in the Macclesfield Express of the golden retriever nursing a litter of kittens I though about our own dog Bustle.

She’s had 30 pups over the last five years and they have each been well-balanced, confident little dogs and it’s all down to her.

Bustle prepares well in advance for the arrival of her pups constantly cleaning and preparing her ‘nest’.

Once they arrive she watches over them leaving her whelping box only for toilet duty.

When they start to run around Bustle insists they show respect and will not tolerate petulance in her proximity.

She’ll nudge the errant pup with her nose and if it doesn’t listen she’ll administer a little nip or whatever it takes to gain respect.

As they grow Bustle takes regular leaves of absence preparing her pups for independence. Even under pressure from her exuberant litter Bustle is always calm, nudging and sorting her pups whenever the need arises. By the time her puppies leave home they are confident, sociable little dogs ready to face the world.

Like the golden retriever nursing kittens Bustle allows her instinct to dictate what’s best for her puppies but parents today aren’t allowed to follow nature.

Discipline has become a dirty word and respect is something children expect to receive but not give. Traders at Parsonage Green shops in Wilmslow are asking for a police presence to protect them from gangs of marauding school children and Sainsbury’s on Alderley Road will not serve kids at all during school hours.

What does that say about our parenting skills?

Of course there are lots of sociable, well-mannered children but we have far too many who are not and an increasing number who are simply feral. The schools dare not handle them, the police can’t and the parents won’t.

Somewhere along the line in our indulgent, politically correct society we’ve arrived at a point where our dogs make better parents than us.

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I selected this post because I remember my mom's dog who died a few years back. This dog loved her pups, my mom and nobody else. She would bite anyone who would come near her or her pups but one word from my mom and she would quiet down.

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Posted in Macclesfield Express

Vic Barlow

Raising a reader

2008-09-03T03:58:00.000-07:00

Develop vocal skills

Gone are the days when a child must be seen and not heard. Our children must learn to express themselves and we must let them know that their thoughts are important. The more vocal children become, the more queries they will have, some of which you may be able to give a rationale answer to. Nonetheless, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce them to reading. For example, if your children want to know why Bob Marley is so important to our Jamaican culture, you can help to provide them with written material and have a discussion about their findings.

Start Simple

Don't expect your children to be scholars overnight. If they are preteens, you could start them off with the Children's Own. Have them read the various features and encourage them to voice their thoughts on whichever article they have read. If their reasoning is beyond the Children's Own, then introduce them to the Youthlink. Whatever the case, encourage them to read material that they might be interested in.

Logics vs fiction

Whatever literature children indulge in, barring explicit and graphic content, reading is always a great hobby to develop. However, what your children read will play an integral role in how they think. I have nothing against fairy tales or novels. If your teens are addicted to these books, you must help them to acknowledge the fact that they are fictional. What is read is usually not real and not logical. Snow White never knew what it was to be unemployed, rejected or to struggle with self-acceptance. It's a great fairy tale, but it's also the furthest thing from reality. Whichever book you choose to introduce to your teens, let it be something that addresses the various issues in society. Whether it is about morals or social structure, the book should enlighten and educate.

Open discussions

The more your teens read, the more opinions they will form. This is one of the good or bad consequences of reading, it depends on what type of parent you are. If you are an open-minded parent, you will welcome these discussions, if not, they will be met with resentment.

Your children may choose to discuss how society views a particular issue, such as why it is that the household helper is not respected in the same manner as the business owner. It is not wise to reject this as sentiment, rather, use it as a medium to start an open discussion.

Posted in Jamaica Gleaner
Anthony Meerak, Outlook Youth Writer

Leading children through life's jungle

2008-08-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

As kids grow up, they begin to navigate life without the help of Mom and Dad.

My family used to live in a house that had several overgrown lilac bushes running along its north side, bushes that had been there for probably a hundred or so years, their trunks gray and gnarled, their purple blossoms impossibly fragrant as they filled the summer air.

During the spring and summer, those lilac bushes became known as the "jungle" since, to our son Joe's young eyes, they were as green, overgrown, and endless as any plot of land running along the Amazon might be. My husband Mark and I enjoyed the jungle, too, especially since it was conveniently located next to the front steps, where we could sit, drink a cup of coffee, and keep an eye on our little explorer.

Every so often, Mark ventured into the jungle along with Joe. Joe was always thrilled when his dad joined him. "Follow me," he'd suggest, waving a dimpled hand as he led the way to the back of the jungle, where things really got exciting. (He'd hidden a plastic bucket and shovel there.)

One day, Mark and Joe began to build a small, very primitive playhouse in the jungle. Mark let Joe do the planning while he took orders. The two of them rearranged twigs, branches, and leaves until they were both satisfied. Sitting down on a log that doubled as a sofa, Joe stretched his legs out and sighed. "Oh, Daddy," he said. "I so happy."

That was many years ago. We moved away from the house with the conveniently located jungle, and our intrepid explorer is in high school now, discovering new territories, along with a different kind of jungle or two every so often.

To my mind, one of the hardest facts I've been forced to accept about being a parent is that we're no longer completely able to elicit statements like "I so happy" from our children, no matter how much we long to. Somewhere between baby teeth and adolescence the responsibility for finding happiness becomes something people have to do for themselves.

We can try to buy happiness for our children with purchases ranging from toys to video games to flat-screen television sets. We can attempt to cheer them up, make them smile, even coerce a laugh or two. Sometimes we achieve our goal. Many times – especially as they get older – we don't.

Throughout my journey as a mom during the past decade and a half – and especially since our oldest son became a teenager – I've occasionally wondered why parenthood seems to become more difficult with each passing birthday. Not worse, but definitely harder.

At first I wondered if any and all angst in our household might be due to the double whammy of hormones – ours on the decline and the boys' on the increase. But I've come to realize that isn't it.

I believe that if our children's jungles stayed small, close to the house, and easily navigated, they'd never learn how to use a compass on their own. And that's the goal of most parents – to make sure their offspring can figure out how to get out of any jungle they might find themselves in someday.

So we force ourselves to sit back, bite our tongues, and wait as they figure out the difference between north, south, east, and west, as well as which direction they really want to go. We try to be there to help them up if they fall, and we clap more loudly than anyone else when they soar. Most of all, we let them know that we're not going anywhere. We can't lead them through the jungle anymore, but we can always offer the use of our machete.

It's never easy to watch your child struggle as he makes his way through the world. But it's so very rewarding to watch when children do reach a goal, when they get their diplomas, ace an interview, or even handle failures with grace. Such occasions make a mom think to herself, "I so happy, too.

Posted in Christian Science Monitor
Nell Musolf

Practicing parenting on my nephews

2008-08-20T03:53:00.000-07:00

Learning to be a parent, with family

One of the benefits to being the youngest sibling is that I got to learn about and practice parenting on my sibling’s children before I had my own. I learned (and am still learning) from my sister’s successes and mistakes while having a real interest (though not exactly responsibility) in how my nephews turn out – and hopefully being able to make a real contribution to their lives.

NephewsMy sister’s boys are great kids. Really, lots and lots of fun. They were also unwittingly, in the time we spent together, my guinea pigs for starting to figure out my parenting style. With them, I tried out the permissive persona, the super-strict persona and most in between. In addition to forgiving me for my experiments, they taught me so much about individual personalities and how what might work for one may not work for the other.

Each of my nephews has his own communication style, his own talents, his own quirks, just like every set of siblings. I’ve been quite close to and less close to each of them over time, as their own adolescences ebbed and flowed and my life went from crazy busy to absolutely insane and back again and again and again. I have my own funny and sweet stories about each of them that are distinct from their parents’ stories. I’ve really been very privileged to be part of their lives.

Knowing when to say when

At some point, the parenting-related experimenting stopped. I feel lucky that I did that before I went too far and couldn’t “just” be their loving (or annoying, as the case may be) aunt. They already have a mother, after all, and don’t need another. As an aunt, a related very interested party, I’ve tried to be something of a constant in their lives, even if it’s at a geographic distance.

My oldest nephew, now in his early 20s, is spending the summer near us. In some ways, I get to practice parenting again, see what it might like to have a child that old, one who is mostly adult but still a little bit young. But he doesn’t need to be parented like my kids do. He does, however, still need a related very interested party as a sounding board, for emotional support-and for a regular place to crash away from his internship.

A glimpse into the future

When I look at this almost grown man whom I once held in one hand, then glance at my own children, I see the future. I see how Alfs might be years from now after we get through the teen years. A hulking presence in the family room but also a really nice guy. Someone I and my kids and my husband like to have around.

I also see my nephew trying out what I can only deduce as parenting-type personas as he interacts with my kids. He’s seeing what works for each and getting to know them. He’s trying things out. He’s a very interested party in their lives with real interest in how they turn out, and I’m sure will make a real contribution to their lives.

The circle continues.

Jen Klein is a New England-based technical writer and mother of three. When she isn't asking her kids to stop bickering, "caramelizing" the dinner or actively ignoring the dust bunnies under the couch, she enjoys knitting, gardening, photography, going to the beach, coming up with excuses not to exercise, embarrassing her pre-teen in public, and trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.

She'll be your best friend in exchange for some good red wine and a Dagoba dark chocolate bar.

Stay-at-home dads remain a rarity

2008-08-13T03:51:00.000-07:00

Society still frowns on changing traditional roles

As times change, more and more fathers are participating in their children's lives. However, the full-time stay-at-home father is still an elusive species.

The U.S. Census found there are just 98,000 fathers in America with children under 15 years old and who have been out of the workplace for at least one year.

Those who choose to stay home with their children find it rewarding. However, society does not embrace the idea entirely, said Linda Benson, a sociology lecturer at the University of Missouri-St. Louis."The stay-at-home dad is still slightly stigmatized," Benson said. "It's becoming accepted, but it's slowly changing."

It's hard to change attitudes about men and women, she said.

"Even some liberated women still feel the same about gender roles," Benson said. "We can have past assumptions built into our relationships."

Economics is playing a larger role in the growth of stay-at-home dads, both full and part time. Some fathers, because they're out of work or have become disabled, stay home because they have no choice.

Parents might opt for the father to stay home for financial reasons. The wife might earn a larger salary with better benefits, freeing the father to stay home, Benson said.

"This is a conscious sacrifice for the couple," she said. "They are giving up a second income. However, studies show some family members want to have another family member taking care of their children."

The cost of day care played a role in the decision for Mike Ruffino, 34, of St. Peters, to stay home with his two children.

"The price of day care can be $180 to $200 a week," said Ruffino, formerly of Hazelwood. "My wife (Jennifer) and I wanted one of us to stay home, so we decided it should be me. A large portion of my paycheck would go to day care, anyway, so by staying home, we're actually saving money."

Having a stay-at-home dad can be an adjustment, both for the adults and the children.

"It can be tough for the kids to adjust to their dad's new role," Benson said. "Men are more willing to tolerate a mess but can be more strict and stick to the rules."

Benson emphasized that parenting is not an instinct.

"Men can cook, clean and bathe the children," she said. "Family life is changing. The tradition of the father as the sole breadwinner is now (found in) only 30 percent of families in the United States."

Posted in North County Journal
Scott Bandle

Grandma And Grandpa Are Good For Children

2008-08-06T03:46:00.000-07:00

The first national survey about the relationships that adolescents have with their grandparents shows that grandparents who are involved in the upbringing of their grandchildren can contribute to a child’s well-being.

This research led by Oxford University, in collaboration with the Institute of Education, London, challenges previous research showing that grandparents who are heavily committed to looking after their grandchildren could become depressed and have a negative effect on the children.

The research surveyed questionnaires from 1,596 children, aged between 11-16 from across England and Wales, and researchers conducted in-depth interviews with 40 children from a range of backgrounds. Another key finding of the research was that almost a third of maternal grandmothers provided regular care-taking for their grandchildren, with 40 per cent providing occasional help with childcare.

The survey reveals that grandparents often have more time than working parents to support young people in activities and are well placed to talk to their grandchildren about any problems the young people may be experiencing. They were also found to be involved in helping to solve the young people’s problems, as well as talking with them about plans for their future.

Principle investigator Professor Ann Buchanan, Director of the Centre for Research into Parenting and Children in the Department of Social Policy and Social Work at Oxford University, will launch the research findings at the annual meeting of the Grandparents’ Association in London on June 4.

Professor Buchanan said: ‘We were surprised by the huge amount of informal caring that the grandparents were doing and how in some cases they were filling the parenting gap for hard working parents. Most adolescents really welcomed this relationship. What was especially interesting was the links we found between ‘involved grandparents’ and adolescent well-being. Closeness was not enough: only grandparents who got stuck in and did things with their grandchildren had this positive impact on their grandchildren.’

Co-investigator Dr Eirini Flouri, from the Institute of Education, said: ‘We found that close relationships between grandparents and grandchildren buffered the effects of adverse life events, such as parental separation, because it calmed the children down. This suggests future investigations should pay more attention to the role of grandparents in developing resilience in young people.’

A range of factors predicted the involvement of the grandparents in the upbringing of their grandchildren including: living in a less deprived area; frequent contact; and the good health of the grandparent. The young people surveyed did not view physical proximity as being necessarily important as they used modern technology to communicate. They said they felt grandparents became closer when they undertook some traditional parenting tasks.

This study also shows that at times of family breakdown and separation, many grandparents played an important role in bringing stability to their grandchildren. Grandparents were also found to be important in times of family adversity and appeared to help the whole family buffer the difficulties. The researchers conclude that given the grandparents’ role is almost invisible in family policy in the UK, the government needs to rethink the policy implications of this largely positive role and provide more support for the important intergenerational relationships.

Posted in ScienceDaily.com

The Benefits of Making Mistakes in Parenting

2008-07-30T03:36:00.000-07:00

Today, I want to share with you the benefits of making mistakes. Many times, as mothers, we have every intention of doing a great job for our families. We read the best books to learn everything from how to get our children to sleep through the night to what the most important study habits of school aged children are most successful. In addition, we plan healthy and nutritious meals to ensure our children's physical success.

Eventually, in motherhood, we fall. We make a mistake and forget something relevant or significant. How do you handle your mistakes? Are you your own worst critic, or do you have hecklers?

Making a mistake provides us with a new perspective and a set of information from a completely different vantage point. It is only when we pack the wrong items in our child's lunch that we come to know what the other possibilities are. Many times we continue to do things in the same old way, and we never have the benefit of seeing different outcomes. We can use our mistakes as learning opportunities to either get more information, to change unnecessary pressure from fix routines, or simply to laugh.

Secondly, everyone makes mistakes. Erase your need for perfection and replace it with understanding. Understand that you are human, and that you are doing your best as a mom. Maybe you did put the baby's clothing on backward. This is insignificant in the big context of life. Maybe you missed the school play because you forgot to write it on your calendar. This provides you with any opportunity to discuss how moms--like kids--make errors, and when they do, they have to be honest and courageous about what happened.

Thirdly, surround yourself with people who affirm and support you as you grow in this stage of your life. Sometimes we feel the need to show others that we are really good at this life as mom. Remember, that you have to do your best... not impress. Moms often ask me simple strategies to address others who question their parenting. I recommend the following steps to relieve this stress:

* 1. Establish some boundaries. Remember, we teach others how to treat us.

* 2. Ask clearly but politely that neighbors, in-laws, parents and friends who criticize and complain about your parenting style or approach give you some space. You might say, "What you said to me hurt my feelings just now. I am learning and doing my best. You have to give me some room here."

* 3. Trust yourself. Know that your best is good enough.

Remember, no one is perfect and that you don't need to be perfect to be a terrific mom. Being a good mom requires love, commitment and nurturing. If your parenting contains any combination of those adjectives then your mistakes are minor and your care is major.

Live fully,

Mia
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Posted in Examiner.com
Mia Redric k
Parenting expert Mia Redrick is an author, lecturer, radio personality, personal coach and mother of three young children. She is a leader in the push for the self-care of mothers, and shares her wisdom on how to raise children without sacrificing personal needs.

50/50 parenting 'tearing kids apart'

2008-07-23T03:33:00.000-07:00

For many involved, particularly fathers, so-called '50/50' parenting arrangements have been a great success.

But there is growing concern amongst experts that the system is proving disastrous for some families, with the children paying the price.

When relationships break down, and at the latest official count at least one third of Australian marriages will, often the source of greatest conflict is who gets the children.

Perhaps the biggest revolution in family law since the act was first drafted has been the recent introduction of the concept of equal shared parental responsibility.

It has led to a sharp rise in 50/50 care arrangements where children spend half their time with each parent, usually on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

It was after concerted lobbying by fathers' groups that the Howard government changed the law in 2006 to make equal-shared care the first preference in most custody cases.

It meant a judge had to reject the 50/50 option before looking at any other. Since then there has been a dramatic rise in the number of children in these arrangements.

Child psychologist Jennifer McIntosh was studying 260 families who were fighting over custody when she stumbled across a distinct group of children in real distress.

All of them were in equal-care arrangements. She argues that rather than being shared, these children are being torn apart by their parents.

"I think the spirit of the new legislation is right, but the devil's in the detail and what it's inadvertently done, I think, is fanned the flames of conflict," Dr McIntosh said.

"They loathe and detest each other and that spills over on to the child. The child knows full well that 'my parents aren't friends, in fact they hate each other'."

Interests of the child

Diana Bryant is Chief Justice of Australia's most controversial court, the Family Court. She say a child's best interests should always come first.

"It concerns me if decisions are being made that are placing children under too much pressure, of course," she said.

"We do have to be very cautious about forcing children into arrangements which might be seen to be ideologically appropriate but really don't suit those children."

The 7.30 Report spoke to parents in shared-care arrangements, and mother-of-two Joe Snibson says the situation is a "disaster".

She says every hour is accounted for in a rigid arrangement that equally divides her children's time and their loyalties.

"They see their parents in conflict all the time and that's what's happened with the shared care," she said.

"(They think) I'm constantly in a situation where I have to be in contact with someone that I really don't want to be in contact with."

Dr McIntosh's study found those who go to court are nearly five times more likely to end up with equal care. Disturbingly 28 per cent of their children are suffering acute emotional distress.

"High acrimony, high conflict and low maturity, this is the toxic mix," she said.

But fathers' groups, who have been generally supportive of shared-care arrangements, are dismissive of this argument.

Fathers' advocate Barry Williams has been campaigning for shared care since 1980 and says Dr McIntosh's study is "just a lot of rot".

Ideal case

"They've looked at all cases in conflict when you read it (the study). They haven't looked at the cases that are genuinely good cases where it's working," he said.

Fourteen-year-old Steven Lehozcky and his 16-year-old brother Paul split their time equally between their divorced parents, and their situation is an example of one of the good cases Mr Williams refers to.

The boys say they are happy sharing time with both of their parents.

"It's a good arrangement, I like it," Steven said.

"The upside would be you get even time with your mum and dad so you get to spend good time with them but the downside is just having to pack and unpack all the time, it's just annoying."

And their parents, John Lehozcky and Julie Clark, say the key has been their common desire to do the right thing by their children.

"Loving your children, it just boils down to that, loving your children, you've got to love your children more than you hate or dislike your ex or whatever your situation is," Mr Lehozcky said.

"You've always got to put them in front, put them first, think of them first."

Ms Clark agrees.

"If only one of us had not been prepared to play the game and just work with it and go with it, I shudder to think of what the consequences could have been," she said.

Posted in ABC News

Effective Parenting Lessons: How to Stop Yelling at Your Children

2008-07-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

Parents are the models of behavior that children emulate. A child who is continuously yelled at may grow up to believe that this is an appropriate style of communicating.

1. Be Clear With Your Directions. After asking your child to pick up his/her clothes several times, they're still on the floor. Children under 7 may need help getting into the habit of doing a task on a regular basis. Make sure a child is capable of doing the task by him/herself. Children may not admit that they did not understand instructions. When dealing with teens, use the word "I" instead of "You." For example, say, "I notice that you did not pick up your shirt," as opposed to, "You keep leaving your shirt on the floor." Avoid words such as "always, never, all the time."

2. Keep Your Anger in Check. Even though we hate to admit it, the problem sometimes is our own. Your 5-year-old doesn't understand that you had a bad day at work. Give yourself a few minutes before responding. Ask yourself if the situation is important enough to address or to let go. If you need time to yourself, explain to your child that you are not in a good mood and that you will speak to him/her when you are feeling better. If you have family support, have someone take the kids while you sort through your emotions.

3. Determine Who's Problem It Is. Yelling at a child for something that is affecting you will not get your problem resolved. Teens may not know that you have a headache when they play their music loudly. Children need parents to describe what they are feeling in order for them to understand. If you yell at your child because he/she is showing no appreciation for a gift you have given to him/her, your child will not understand that you are feeling unappreciated or rejected by his/her reaction. Be aware of how you interpret your child's behavior or reaction.

4. Meet Your Own Basic Needs. If you are addressing your child when you are tired or hungry, then your needs aren't being met, which is contributing to your frustration. Unless a situation needs immediate attention, first eat or rest before speaking to your child.

5. Respond, Don't React. Yelling at a child who is trying to annoy you gives the child the upper hand by getting a reaction out of you. Instead, get your child's attention, look at him/her in the eyes and say what you have to say. Constantly reacting to behavior contributes to misbehavior for the sake of getting attention. Use fewer words if you have to. Instead of saying "I am so sick and tired of reminding you to put away your book bag!" say "Book bag. Closet. Now." Give your child nonverbal signals to get your point across.

Obscure parenting tips for the creative and the desperate

2008-07-09T02:42:00.000-07:00

As the parents of six children, Derek and I are always in the market for creative parenting ideas. Today I will share a few things we have learned along the way.

If you have a metal door, you have a great spot to use one of the many Upwards or honor student magnets cluttering up the clutter drawer. (Or use your “My child beat up your honor student” magnet, if that’s all you have). Stick it on the door as a holder for whatever you need on the way out next morning – an SAT admission ticket, that field trip permission slip that was due yesterday, or even a note to buy toilet paper.

Circle spider bites with a permanent marker. That way you can tell whether they are growing or shrinking. (Hat tip to Pastor Mendy McNulty for this one.)

Don’t ask a child to explain why he did something, unless you honestly do not know. A person cannot indict himself, so asking this question only encourages him to assign himself new motivations after the fact. Parents call this “making excuses,” but to a child it is a matter of protecting his self-esteem.

When children ask “Why?” always tell them why. Make the explanation thorough. Serious inquiries deserve a thorough answer. Children with other motives for asking “Why?” get bored with the lengthy response and often give up the mantra.

For teens and pre-teens, I prefer to blame unpopular parenting decisions on John Tesh. My children may be unique in their fascination with Tesh’s “Intelligence for Your Life” radio program, but I find they are reluctant to argue with the man. It works like this: “Look, sweetie, I know that you personally would never text-message under the covers after bedtime. But John Tesh says everybody sleeps better if the cell phones charge on the kitchen counter every night – no exceptions.” This works for most parent-teen conflicts, and you need not listen to all the shows to use it. If it makes sense, John Tesh probably did say it, some time or other.

Traveling with young children is filled with surprises, and not always the happy kind. Since leaving behind the diaper bag a few times, we’ve learned to keep a family emergency kit in every car. Hopefully you already have jumper cables, a jack, and other tools, but this kit is for the people in the car. It should contain everything you would need if for some reason your family were trapped in the car. Ours includes wet wipes, diapers, clean socks, toilet paper, bandages, bottled water, crayons, coloring books and individually wrapped crackers.

The best road trip entertainment we have found is a classic Carpenter’s CD. The mellow tunes calm nerves and make life more pleasant. My five-year-old is especially fond of “Sing a Song,” which she calls “La la la la.” She will often request it. When she is grumpy, she asks us not to play it. “I’m not going to start singing,” she says, crossing her arms, “You can’t make me la la la la.” We shrug and promise that no one will make her sing. And then we hear Christianna’s thin little voice join in, and we all smile.

When all else fails, moo. It was only a hunch, or perhaps an instinct. One day as we were trying to get home, a certain irate toddler was screaming bloody murder because she did not care to sit in the car seat. I had tried all the normal distractions – talking, singing, stopping the car to take her for a walk, bribery, threats, cutting her out of the will, etc. At last, in desperation, I uttered a low-pitched moo. My teenage driver shot me a sideways glance and then wisely joined the mooing. Soon the entire car was filled with the sounds of calm, happy cattle. Finally the toddler stopped her high-pitched screams to utter “Mooooooo.”

The most important advice I would give to a new parent is this: Never trust anyone who is selling something. Many of the implements and gadgets touted to make parenting easier just create more parenting jobs. Plastic baby bathtubs are a great example. As a new parent, I thought that little over-the-sink tub was an essential parenting item. I’ve since realized a baby bathtub is just another thing to clean and store. It is much easier to take your baby into the bath with you whenever you wash up. It makes a nice, relaxing activity and there’s no wet baby furniture to clean up afterward.

Remember that baby bottle manufacturers are also selling something. Don’t believe the makers of alien-shaped bottle nipples labeled “more like mom.” No human female has appendages shaped like that. Baby bottles and artificial nipples contain chemicals that should never be ingested by an adult, much less a growing infant. They can also confuse young babies and interfere with their latch. In the rare case that an infant needs something other than breast milk, finger-feeding or spoon-feeding is typically safer than using a bottle.

The maker of baby formula who touts a product as “more like breast milk” is not trustworthy, either. These companies are selling something. When they distribute pamphlets claiming to provide breastfeeding tips, do not be fooled into believing they are actually advertising for their competition. These companies are financially dependent on breastfeeding problems and failures. They sell artificial milk, and they do so despite the knowledge that their product imparts innumerable health risks to your baby. Toss their tips and trust the breastfeeding experts at La Leche League for infant feeding advice.

Of course, some commercial offerings can be a blessing. A simple, one-piece potty chair is helpful for young children. Opt for a model that puts the child in a near squatting position, like the Baby Bjorn. Place the potty in a convenient location, explain its presence, and afterward try not to bring up the subject often. As many veteran moms and dads have discovered, the idea of “training” a toddler to use the potty is frustrating, self-defeating and useless. For most children, “toilet training” is no more logical than setting up language lessons to teach a normal infant how to talk. It makes no more sense than pushing a baby to walk, ready-or-not, simply because he has hit the one-year milestone. With a lot of leeway and very little prodding, most children will work it out before they go to kindergarten.

Indeed, most skills and character traits are learned from modeling, not molding. That’s why parents who smoke have little success warning their children never to start. Children do need boundaries and consequences, but neither can substitute for the time a parent spends simply being a decent, responsible human being in front of the children.

Dr. Gary Smalley says that children spell love T-I-M-E. These days we try to assuage our guilt by focusing on “quality rather than quantity.” It’s great when parents schedule the time to take a child to the park, or go on a parent-child date just to talk about life. However, few children open up on demand. Open, honest communication often happens when we are not expecting or monitoring it. It happens in the car, on the way to the mailbox, or while the pasta is boiling.

Parents have a tough job because our children are always changing. We learn along with them, and what we learn with one child may not work for the next child. I wish I knew how to teach a child to blow her nose. If anyone knows the answer to this one, please send me a hint before the next allergen comes into bloom.

Jeannie Babb Taylor may be contacted at jeannie@babb.com, or you can leave a public comment on her blog at JeannieBabbTaylor.com.

Posted on catoosanews.com
Jeannie Babb Taylor

Parenting and sex: keeping the magic alive

2008-07-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

I believe it wasn't long after I learned how babies are made that the most disgusting thought occurred to me: My parents probably had sex at least once. And "once" was just assuming that my sister was planted in our house by some deity as a Job-like trial for me. In that moment, the fantasies I had -- that I was in fact the child of royalty, adopted by commoners to protect my identity until the day I could be reunited with my "real" parents and assume the throne -- became infinitely more appealing. Because maybe that meant the people who were raising me did not have sex after all, and I'd deal with the issue of my royal parents doing the nasty when the time came.

Now that I'm a parent myself, I know the truth is so much grosser than I imagined as a child. Parents do have sex, and sometimes even on a semi-regular basis. (Like on Wednesdays. You should totally watch this, by the way.) The problem, of course, is that kids make it that much harder to actually find the time and privacy to have a little intimacy. Here's three sex-blocking scenarios, and a possible solution for each. Consider this my public service for the week.

1. Co-sleeping. We ended up unintentionally co-sleeping with our kid, mostly because it was just easier. But of course, having a kid in the bed makes nighttime sex impossible. I have read advice like, "Oh, we just lay down with junior and then get up and go into the other room to get it on." I don't really know who these people are that can lie down with their heads on a nice, soft pillow and close their eyes and then actually get up for anything less than morning or a fire. (And I mean a literal fire. The call of burning love doesn't cut it.)

Needless to say, this is not a solution I endorse. However, I'll admit that the desire for privacy did play a big part in my desire to get the kid into her own bed, though I don't really mind the snuggly sleepy family thing. So here's our fix: We made a rule that she had to fall asleep in her own bed. Then if she woke up in the night she could come into our room, or if she wanted she could request to be brought into our bed after she fell asleep. This has worked out really well for us, but I think it's important to enforce the rule on a regular basis for it to work, not just on nights when love is a'calling.

2. Sex when the kids are around. When the little one was younger and needed regular supervision, daytime hummada hummada was only possible during naps. And even now, when she's playing alone, it's a little touch-and-go (har har) to try and work some magic with the fear of being interrupted in a way that would be traumatic for all parties. My answer? The electronic babysitter. This is why I'll never kill my television. Pull up an episode of "Peep" and it's off to the other room. (When I was discussing this story idea with someone, they said, "Oh, like you put on 'Ratatouille' and then slip away?" Let's face it: We are parents. We are tired. We don't need a two hour movie. One show is pretty much sufficient for the whole deal, clean-up and all. That's why I call it the TV quickie.)
Barry says: When the kids are gone, you must get it on.

3. The overnight. Having the kids go to someone else's house and spend the night ought to be a golden opportunity. However, sometimes this one falls into the date night trap: When it happens so rarely, there's a certain amount of pressure placed on the whole thing, and pressure can be a mood-killer. Plus this is everyone's big chance to get more than six hours of unbroken sleep! My answer to this? Too bad. Just do it anyway. Like birthdays and anniversaries, there are certain times when everyone has a right to expect some good attention and a little quality uhh-huh time. Buy some Barry White or download some porn or whatever you have to do and just have at it. Then arrange your schedule so you can sleep in. But the sex is a necessity, like eating and breathing and shopping for cute shoes.

Oh, and one final note: We have not tried this, but some people get a lock for the bedroom door. Our kid doesn't even know what the word 'quiet' means, so we don't really have to worry about being surprised, but if you have one of those more subdued little angels, it might be worth it. Just make sure you can pick the lock from the outside so you don't have to call the fire department when your child imprisons himself in your room.

You should share your own tips, but if any of them involve actual act logistics or the word "feather" or "harness," you can and should totally keep that to yourself.

KELLY MILLS is a writer, editor, blogger, and sucka for her daughter's theatrics. She has a fitness blog, Fitness Fixation, and also blogs about the world of parenting for Babble.com at Strollerderby and Droolicious.

Posted in SFGate.com
Kelly Mills

What do you do when you have different parenting beliefs?

2008-06-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you and your partner have different beliefs about parenting?

This is actually a very common problem. I would go so far as to say that every family suffers from this issue or I should say every child suffers from this parenting issue.

In my 20 years of experience I have found that the most common way this is expressed is in how parents discipline. More specifically, what they discipline for and when they will discipline a child.

In extreme cases this can lead to seperation and divorce. On the most mild end of things, the child can use the differences to manipulate and control the home. None of this things are necessary!

Here's a couple quick ideas to get parents on the same page:

1. Take a parenting class. There are classes in every city of America and maybe the world. Point is that a parenting class can be found and they are all good so why don't parents take one? Is it pride? Stubbornness? I know it can't be money because many classes don't cost anything. If there isn't a class in your area, I know there are thousands of parenting books available to read. I wrote one myself!

Once parents take a class or read a book together, they can start parenting using the same techniques and philosophy. Most parents parent based on their experiences as a child, good or bad. Learn a new, third way of doing things.

2. Two heads are better than one. Never make a decision about without two parents agreeing. If you can't agree, then decide not to decide. I am not talking about the mundane things like what to make for dinner...or am I? Maybe this too needs to go through the parenting committee. Put your heads together and decide that too.

Most kids split the parents knowing who they can work and asking that one a question. Tell the child you will decide after you talk to the other parent. Let them tantrum and fume. There really isn't that many crisis situations, at least on the life and death spectrum, when it comes to making a parenting decision.

3. Learn from one another and tell each other what you like about their parenting. This could be the hardest part for many parents but a little sugar goes a long way. Besides the parenting relationship angle, this idea is useful in using similar parenting styles. No one parent knows it all or is perfect. Every parent has strengths and weaknesses. Learn and acknowledge the good points in the other and you will find, over time, that you are parenting in a very similar fashion.

4. Use over 3000 parenting tools and tips of the Parenting Toolbox. The membership is lifetime and you never renew your fees. It is like parenting insurance with no annual dues. And if you join today you get a no charge membership to the Anger Toolbox as well. That is a two for one special offer. Start building a stronger, happier home today at http://parentingtoolbox.com

Posted in gather.com
Ron H., Contributor

THE SECOND HALF: The role of 'dad' has evolved with the boomers

2008-06-15T04:41:00.000-07:00

With Father's Day just around the corner, I couldn't help but think about all of the great boomer dads I know, beginning with the one I am married to.

It's been an interesting evolution of this significant role, especially considering that we boomers were raised in a cultural environment that demanded our parents follow some fairly strict rules when it came to parenting.

Weekly visits with “Father Knows Best” left us all believing that an impeccably dressed father should come home at the end of the day, just in time to read the newspaper and then sit down to a delicious meal prepared by his lovely wife Margaret, who was also impeccable in her Peter Pan-collared dresses and starched white aprons.

Any problems with “The Beaver” and/or Wally, and Ward Cleaver would offer up both the discipline and sage advice. Meanwhile, June would disappear into the kitchen, to clean up after dinner and, most likely, begin tackling the next round of never-ending domestic chores.

While these definitions of parenting may have provided some comfort for people, this approach also proved to have some real shortcomings. As the women's movement raced across the country, it was only a matter of time before men began looking at fatherhood in a very different way. The results have been interesting.

The University of Michigan recently conducted a study of 1,761 children living in a two-parent, intact family. (Remember, these fathers were either raised by boomers or are boomers themselves.) Consider their findings:

* Seventy-five percent of the fathers sampled reported hugging their children or showing them affection every day.

* Thirty-three percent said they tell their children that they love them on a daily basis.

* Sixty percent say they joke and play with their children each day.

* Nearly 90 percent reported that being a father is the most fulfilling job a man can have.

* Eighty percent of the dads said they were involved in choosing their children's activities, while 67 percent helped select their children's day care and schools.

These fathers also reported being involved when it came to setting limits on the following family issues: establishing when it is time for homework (62 percent); limiting snacks (63 percent); controlling whom a child spends time with (40 percent); and controlling how children spend time after school (46 percent).

More than half of these fathers knew the first and last names of their children's closest friends, and 77 percent said that when their children aren't home, they know what friend they are with.

These are encouraging results, as they signal good stuff for those children fortunate enough to be living with both of their parents. But this study also left me thinking about how all of the children in single-parent households are fairing.

I have a personal interest in this because, believe me, when I was growing up Ward Cleaver wasn't pulling into our driveway every night. Nope, in the 50s my brother and I were a bit of an anomaly -- a couple of kids being raised by a single working mother and a single working grandmother -- right there, smack dab in the middle of southern California suburbia.

But what do I know from my own experience? I'm happy to report that children from single-parent households can, and do, grow up to be healthy, happy adults. Truly, some of the best fathers I know were raised by single parents -- like my big brother.

I guess it all comes down to this little boomer lesson: If you are a father, whether living with your children or not, be as involved as you possibly can. Your children will be better for it. Fatherhood may not be the easiest job you'll ever have but it just may be the most gratifying.

Happy Father's Day!

------

Tracey Barnes Priestley

For the Times-Standard

Tracey Barnes Priestley has a master's degree in community counseling psychology and has been a counselor, educator and consultant for more than 30 years. She is married and the mother of three adult children. You may e-mail her at thesecondhalf@suddenlink.net or write to her at 665 F St., Arcata, CA 95521. Tracey regrets she is unable to personally answer all letters.

Supporting children with learning disabilities

2008-06-14T02:54:00.000-07:00

Having a child with learning disabilities can be not only frustrating, but also discouraging for parents. Last week I discussed symptoms of learning disabilities and how parents could identify if their child exhibited these signs. Familyeducation.com discusses ways to support your child, which include:

Recognize, accept and understand your child's learning disability.

Make sure that you understand the school's explanation of your child's learning differences. Don't be afraid to ask questions and get the information in layman's terms. Ask how that disability will affect your child at home and at school.

Find your child's strength.

It can be something very simple that you take for granted; for instance, your daughter is a good storyteller or a whiz at building things. Find and praise your child's talents: "You described that field trip so well!" Identify those talents and acknowledge them with specific praise.

Find ways to work with your child's disability.

If she speaks well but has difficulty writing, you and her teacher could explore alternative forms of assessment. Discuss with the teacher whether it would be possible for your child to do a project or presentation instead of an essay.

The National Center for Learning Disabilities offers a parenting guide for children with learning disabilities. Go to ldsuccess.org for your free guide. It is important for parents to provide love and understanding to their children no matter what their disability might be.

Michelle Aycock is a licensed psychotherapist with an office in Savannah. Her office number is 912-233-4294 or you can go to her Web site for information: www.coastaltherapist.com. Go to Michelle's blog at new.savannahnow.com/user/164560.

Posted in Savannahnow.com
Michelle Aycock

Parenting - it's a communication basket

2008-06-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

Parenting is a 'basket' which communicates love, forgiveness, disappointment, pain, happiness and all the other emotions.

For me, there are many issues that parents face every day, the two most challenging being finances and sharing time.

Family meetings, therefore, are one of the fruits in the communication basket. These sessions facilitate discussion on what happened during the day, even for 10 minutes or at least twice in the week and twice on the weekends.

Then, as the saying goes, 'The family that prays together stays together.' Worship is a fruit in the basket. Even if the family is not able to attend church every Saturday or Sunday, worship at home is vital. A knowledge of God, as well as regular prayer, is critical to a child's upbringing.

Use proverbs

Children need to know they are appreciated in the home - that they are not mistakes. Love and appreciation are other fruits in the basket. Love has to be communicated with sincerity. As a single mom, I show love even when I am scolding my son and daughter. I use proverbs instead of negative words or words to belittle them. I also apologise when I am wrong or if I shouted when I could simply discuss the matter. So forgiveness is another fruit in the communication basket.

At times when I am too tired or moody to talk about how much they mean to me, I write them individual letters and express how I feel. Don't say bitter things about the other parent if he or she is not in your life anymore. Children don't like that. Instead, explain, clearly and lovingly, why the relationship did not work out.

In that basket of parenting, respect for humanity allows the child or children to understand the importance of life so they learn to love their friends and classmates as themselves. Each life is a gift. Food must be in that basket. A family must find the time to eat together, at least once per week, where memories and stories are discussed at the table.

Parenting is a job, a lifelong one. I ask questions consistently, especially of older people. I listen to others, including my children, because they, too, have a say. Then, of course, I read books and observe people's behaviour patterns.

Try to have fun while doing this life-long job and remember we as adults were children too. Never lose the child within you.

Donna Harriott is single parent to a 14-year-old boy and a young woman now in college. This mom is also a high-school teacher and an artist.

Posted in Jamaica - Gleaner
Donna Harriot, Contributor