I was going to write about something entirely different this week but the passionate response I received from readers to my last post got me thinking further about this matter, specifically the way we discipline our kids today compared to in the past.
I was honestly surprised to discover how many of you felt that smacking was a necessary step in disciplining your children. But I was even more surprised that it was not just the older generation saying this but parents of young children.
Certainly there were many readers who felt, as I do, that smacking a child is wrong for the reasons I pointed out. However, just as many felt that the lack of smacking was part of the 'soft' approach to parenting that is contributing to a generation of spoilt, badly behaved, disrespectful children.
I don't wish to generalise about children today as the vast majority of them are bright, inquisitive, loving and well-behaved (most of the time!) However, it is undeniable that the behaviour you would find at your local school is very different now to 30 years ago when smacking and even the cane was accepted practice.
So it begs the question, have we gone too soft? And has the decline in physical punishment played a part, or has something else changed?
Personally, I wonder if rather than it being a smack that kids are crying out for these days it is our time? If we have become so stressed and busy in our complicated lives we're depriving our children of the one thing they so desperately need, our attention.
One of the comments on the previous blog stated that while physical punishment is not ideal, emotional punishment such as verbal abuse can be far more damaging and I wholeheartedly agree. But I believe even more damaging is the child who receives no punishment at all because nobody noticed the behaviour in the first place.
Maybe the kids we complain about who roam the streets causing trouble would benefit from a smack, not because of the smack, but because it meant someone cared enough to punish them.
You have to wonder if we've gone from one extreme to the other, from imposing punishments that were overly harsh to having no consequences at all. Or are we better parents than the previous generation because we have learnt to respect our children's rights and allow them opinions and choices?
I guess I sit somewhere in the middle. I don't want to be too 'soft' and let my son run free with no rules or limits, but I also want to allow him to express his feelings even if it means the occasion tantrum is the result of it. I know some days I feel like throwing one!
Interestingly, many of you commented that often the best way to dissolve a toddler tantrum is to talk to your child and see what the problem is rather than punishing the naughty behaviour. But couldn't we apply this to disruptive behaviour from a child of any age?
If you looked into the background of a teenager who is fighting at school you would most likely find some serious emotional issues hidden under all that aggression. Thirty years ago that child would probably have been given the cane and a stern talking to. These days they would most likely be expelled, leaving them to fall between the cracks, branded as a failure and set for an uphill battle to prove otherwise. As much as I abhor the thought of the cane you do have to wonder which is potentially more damaging to that child's future.
I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but in my opinion using praise to reward a child for good behaviour is a powerful tool. I believe children inherently want to do well to make us proud and will do whatever it takes to capture and hold our attention. So it stands to reason if they get more of our focus when they do the wrong thing than when they behave they will act up every time, whether they are two or fifteen.
On the other hand, you don't want to praise them so much they end up with an over inflated ego thinking they can do no wrong. Perhaps some of the kids we see auditioning for Australian Idol could have benefited from a little more honesty and a little less praise! It's all about balance.
That's the thing with parenting, there's no manual, no right or wrong way and you don't get a second chance. You just do the best you can with what you know at the time and hope like hell it is enough. The only thing I know for sure of is you can never say 'I love you' too much, or hug too many times. That is the one thing that will never change.
Are we better parents now than the previous generation or are we getting it all wrong?
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