Parenting and sex: keeping the magic alive

I believe it wasn't long after I learned how babies are made that the most disgusting thought occurred to me: My parents probably had sex at least once. And "once" was just assuming that my sister was planted in our house by some deity as a Job-like trial for me. In that moment, the fantasies I had -- that I was in fact the child of royalty, adopted by commoners to protect my identity until the day I could be reunited with my "real" parents and assume the throne -- became infinitely more appealing. Because maybe that meant the people who were raising me did not have sex after all, and I'd deal with the issue of my royal parents doing the nasty when the time came.

Now that I'm a parent myself, I know the truth is so much grosser than I imagined as a child. Parents do have sex, and sometimes even on a semi-regular basis. (Like on Wednesdays. You should totally watch this, by the way.) The problem, of course, is that kids make it that much harder to actually find the time and privacy to have a little intimacy. Here's three sex-blocking scenarios, and a possible solution for each. Consider this my public service for the week.

1. Co-sleeping. We ended up unintentionally co-sleeping with our kid, mostly because it was just easier. But of course, having a kid in the bed makes nighttime sex impossible. I have read advice like, "Oh, we just lay down with junior and then get up and go into the other room to get it on." I don't really know who these people are that can lie down with their heads on a nice, soft pillow and close their eyes and then actually get up for anything less than morning or a fire. (And I mean a literal fire. The call of burning love doesn't cut it.)

Needless to say, this is not a solution I endorse. However, I'll admit that the desire for privacy did play a big part in my desire to get the kid into her own bed, though I don't really mind the snuggly sleepy family thing. So here's our fix: We made a rule that she had to fall asleep in her own bed. Then if she woke up in the night she could come into our room, or if she wanted she could request to be brought into our bed after she fell asleep. This has worked out really well for us, but I think it's important to enforce the rule on a regular basis for it to work, not just on nights when love is a'calling.

2. Sex when the kids are around. When the little one was younger and needed regular supervision, daytime hummada hummada was only possible during naps. And even now, when she's playing alone, it's a little touch-and-go (har har) to try and work some magic with the fear of being interrupted in a way that would be traumatic for all parties. My answer? The electronic babysitter. This is why I'll never kill my television. Pull up an episode of "Peep" and it's off to the other room. (When I was discussing this story idea with someone, they said, "Oh, like you put on 'Ratatouille' and then slip away?" Let's face it: We are parents. We are tired. We don't need a two hour movie. One show is pretty much sufficient for the whole deal, clean-up and all. That's why I call it the TV quickie.)
Barry says: When the kids are gone, you must get it on.

3. The overnight. Having the kids go to someone else's house and spend the night ought to be a golden opportunity. However, sometimes this one falls into the date night trap: When it happens so rarely, there's a certain amount of pressure placed on the whole thing, and pressure can be a mood-killer. Plus this is everyone's big chance to get more than six hours of unbroken sleep! My answer to this? Too bad. Just do it anyway. Like birthdays and anniversaries, there are certain times when everyone has a right to expect some good attention and a little quality uhh-huh time. Buy some Barry White or download some porn or whatever you have to do and just have at it. Then arrange your schedule so you can sleep in. But the sex is a necessity, like eating and breathing and shopping for cute shoes.

Oh, and one final note: We have not tried this, but some people get a lock for the bedroom door. Our kid doesn't even know what the word 'quiet' means, so we don't really have to worry about being surprised, but if you have one of those more subdued little angels, it might be worth it. Just make sure you can pick the lock from the outside so you don't have to call the fire department when your child imprisons himself in your room.

You should share your own tips, but if any of them involve actual act logistics or the word "feather" or "harness," you can and should totally keep that to yourself.

KELLY MILLS is a writer, editor, blogger, and sucka for her daughter's theatrics. She has a fitness blog, Fitness Fixation, and also blogs about the world of parenting for Babble.com at Strollerderby and Droolicious.

Posted in SFGate.com
Kelly Mills